Tag Archives: Self

Gratitude

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Gratitude

Gratitude. It’s November. Tomorrow, we celebrate Thanksgiving Day in America. The idea of giving thanks is baked into our culture — along with the pies. Now is the time to count your blessings.

I remember a few decades ago — it must have been back in the 90s — when expressing gratitude and actually chronicling what you were grateful for in a formal journal could really aid in people feeling more satisfied with their daily lives. Also, it became a way to cultivate the mindset of looking for things to be grateful for in one’s life each and every day.

I’ll admit I drank the proverbial Kool Aid and bought that journal and for years — literally years — I wrote down five things I was grateful for each and every day. And, yes, it was a practice that had me looking and finding the good in each day. I filled reams of journals that could attest to the fact that I had a life that I should be grateful for.

I never thought I would get away from that perspective — and would keep it going all the days of my life. But, I think all of those gratitude journals set me up for living life with a certain bent toward being grateful in my life. I departed my town and went traveling and stepped away from all of the gratitude giving journaling, but I still kept the spirit alive in my heart and how I met life.

All this to say, gratitude, gratefulness, giving thanks is a spirit within not necessarily a practice that needs a gold star. If you are here reading my words, I am grateful you are here. It’s in the spirit of my writing right now. Let’s not forget, it’s not about the doing of writing down what we are grateful for, but rather an orientation toward life that sprouts from this that is important. The former can help cultivate the spirit, but should never be used to guilt or attack yourself if you aren’t keeping the practice.

Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Is Anxiety a Problem?

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Is anxiety a problem

Is anxiety a problem for you? For me?

Of course, I was reading the New York Times and came across this article about anxiety and it prompted me to think about the feeling of being anxious — which can lead into full-blown anxiety. Anxiety is common — actually I don’t know anyone personally who doesn’t have some level of worry, care and concern over their lives, the state of the world, other people, situations, and more.

If you were to actually sit down and ask somebody, directly, are you anxious about anything in your life or life in general I can’t imagine anyone saying, “no, not at all.” Worry, anxiousness, concern are all basic human emotions and ways of feeling that make us exactly that — human. I think it is how we interact with these feeling states that defines if anxiety is a problem for ourselves or not.

What do you do with the anxious parts of your self? Are you able to listen to what this part of you is saying and put it into perspective, or take a clue that you need to regulate your body and mind to calm both, or take an action that will alleviate your worries and concerns? If so, anxiety is not a problem, but rather something to be mindful of as one part of your feeling state.

Now, if you are having trouble recognizing you are anxious or becoming paralyzed in your life due to feeling anxiety (worry, concern) then it is an emotion that is going to limit your life and how you are living. This is when it is a problem. I would tend to agree with the article referenced above. However, it points to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the best modality for treatment of anxiety and its symptoms.

CBT seeks to change the way you think about situations so you can alleviate your worry and anxiousness over whatever is causing you anxiety. It is a type of therapy that is often brief and comes with homework to build up skills for reacting differently. It certainly has its place in the canon of treating anxiety, but it is also a type of therapy that insurance companies love — 8-10 sessions and you are cured. Their pocketbooks not needing to pay for anything more.

However, I think of paralyzing anxiety as a symptom of something deeper going on internally within a person. How did you see your caretakers interact with their worries and concerns, were you insecure as a child when your caretakers left you, did you have space to worry and voice your concerns — were these feelings welcomes as a child? Looking at these deeper questions and family of origin patterns can help us take a look at what is driving our anxiety on the surface. Often anxiety that is felt about external things reflects an internalized anxious state that has never been able to be explored — and wants to be heard.

Working with a therapist to uncover these patterns can not only help short-term alleviation of anxiety, but can also shift an internal state where paralyzing insecurity, out of control feelings, and worried states rule the person.

So, there are plenty of options for treatment, but please know if you are worried about someone or something — if you are anxious — to a large degree this is expected as part of being human.

Don’t forget the breath — 4 deep breaths in through the nose and then out through the mouth – can do wonders for any worry.

Possible Selves

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Possible Selves

Possible selves?

To me, the idea conjures up opening up to possibilities that we can become. And I think that is what this recent article in the NYT was talking about. A metaphor for how we can potentially reinvent ourselves at any point in our lives. It also seems to be along the lines of the fiction book The Midnight Library, where the protagonist pulls a book from the library shelf which is a path she may have taken in her life.

It’s an intriguing concept. There is who we are in the “here and now” moment which is largely defined by what we do for a living and then there are all the roads that we have not taken. Many times these are roads that hold no interest for us, or we have no talent in, or it just never occurred to us to think about a path for ourselves given who we are, where we have come from, and how we have crafted our life to date.

The idea of imagining different walks of life for ourselves is not only an imaginative exercise, but allows us the freedom to think about different ways of living our lives. When we make any shift in what we do, all of a sudden things looks different, fresh, new. Perhaps our schedules change. Perhaps we head back to being a student for a time. Perhaps we meet different people in different environments. The idea is that it is possible and we can bring our self to this possibility.

This is not something that happens overnight, of course. But it does begin with imagining. If you are unhappy or dissatisfied with how you are spending your time with your job/career, what is it that you are drawn to intuitively? Perhaps it is more than one thing. Once you have this in mind, take a walk down a day on this path with your possible self. What are you doing? Who are you with? How does the day flow? You can set out on these paths as many times as you like — but always hold that it is possible.

It strikes me that we get shot down from even starting on any type of new path for ourselves as we do not believe fundamentally that it is possible. Once we begin to imagine and fantasize about the possibility this can lead us to take the next steps if we find we are truly drawn to another way of working or creating a career for ourselves.

Do not be daunted. Believe in possibility. Believe in yourself. Believe in your possible selves.

Real Self Care

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Real Self Care
Real Self Care is All You Need

Real self care — that’s the new title of self care. Apparently, not all self care is equal according to a new book by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included), and reviewed in the New York Times recently.

Yes, it’s another book on self care. Another thought on how to care for one’s self — this time the real way. I am not sure self care can actually be categorized as real or not real — if one is caring for one’s self then it’s self care. Buy, hey, authors have to have an angle and this is hers.

For Dr. Pooja, it is about aligning one’s self care with one’s values. In this way, yoga, crystals, baths may be just what you need. I think she is seeking to encourage women to think about what they value in their lives and then use these values to care for self. Don’t just take the yoga class because someone has told you it’s a good way to care for your self. Rather, check in with one’s self and ask yourself, “Is stretching in yoga poses a way to actually take care of myself — or not?” If not, then move on.

The author wisely recognizes — as so many of us do — that self care is just another billion dollar industry trying to get their share of the capitalist pie. It’s OK to support the industry as long as it is actually really about your self care — thus the idea of “real self care.”

There is one part of Dr. Pooja’s suggestions that I really liked — her imaginative exercise of thinking about a dinner party you would throw to learn what you values actually are. I never thought of this type of exercise as a way to get at what one values, but I suppose it does. Are you interested in a small gathering or a large one? Is it pot luck or formal? What’s on the menu — take out or something you spent the day cooking? What music are you playing and what games/activities are you throwing into the mix? This is very helpful to see what motivates one in life.

How would you answer these questions? For me, I tend to like more people than less, I love to set a table or make a pretty table for the group, I mix in store bought foods with easy-to-cook dishes (I want to have fun too!). If children are there, I love to have games for them to play or at least give them my Labrador who loves to play with kids. Oh, and i love a good party favor.

How does this translate into real self care?

It seems to me that I value sharing time that is fun and creative with people whom I am close to of all ages. If I choose to spend time in this way then I am caring for myself. Makes sense to me as a way to get at what real self care looks like.

Of course, it’s not the only way and if you feel good about spending your money in the self care industry that is fine too. When it comes to self care, follow your bliss, and make the time to do so on a regular basis.

A Stack of Books

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A Stack of Books

A stack of books. It’s a simple enough idea.

When we were kids, back in the olden days before computers, textbooks would often be stacked on our desks reminding us of the homework we have to complete. For some reason, as we become adults, there are often books around.

Books that then become stacks of books. The stacks then are put on to shelves and then there can be so many books that people have rooms lined with shelves holding all the books — a personal library of sorts.

I have had shelves and I have had stacks of books and I actually prefer the latter. Why? Well, when I feel that I have shelves of books my thought is I have way too many and they should be donated. So, I go through and cull my books — no more need for shelves.

But my stacks of books — now that I cannot give up. First off my stacks of books are not regular reading books of fiction and non-fiction, but rather oversized books about art, geography, interests, and other varied topics. These large, hard bound books have beautiful covers in all sorts of colors. Now, I can use my stacks for home decor purposes.

A stack of books neatly arranged and placed together on a tabletop feels satisfying to me. It is organized, interesting, and the books often remind me of something important in my life — an art exhibit I took in and really enjoyed or a topic of interest that I want to know more about. It’s satisfying.

Of course, people come in and look at my stacks of books. It’s home decor, but it’s also interesting, full of topics waiting to be explored amongst one another. Definitely can be a conversation starter. They can be grouped by similar topics or in an eclectic way that includes a variety of topics. However you arrange your stacks, make it interesting.

I also stack my collection of children’s books. Oh such whimsy in that stack. I still love to collect children’s books and to read them through again and again. So much wisdom in there. So, stacks can be bright and fanciful and appeal to the children who visit your home.

Stacks of books are organizing, a home decor tool, and inspiration for topics of conversation — also if you have stacks and not shelves you probably have just enough. Although it is always difficult to part with books it is an easy thing to donate and pass on to others without crowding your home — unless shelves of books is your vibe!

Here’s to a stack of books!

To Be Selfish — or Not?

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To be selfish -- or not?
Selfish or Selfless?

To be selfish — or not? That is the question.

I am always reading the news and find myself stumbling upon articles around mental health, which, of course, catch my attention. This week it was an article in the Times about The Benefits of Wise Selfishness. I had to laugh out loud as I read how the article had to spin selfishness (something our society judges as a bad thing) into something that is OK to be these days. Actually necessary.

I tend to agree with this article, but I wouldn’t call it “wise” but rather absolutely necessary and critical to our own mental health. And it is mind boggling to me that people feel that it is wrong to think about themselves and hold their interests in mind. Like everything, just because we are thinking about ourselves does not mean we can’t also think about the other.

If you think about it, in the airplanes, during the safety instructions, parents are always told to put on their own oxygen mask on before putting it on their child. Intuitively, we must be cared for before we can offer care to another — even our own child in this case!

It is important that we hold ourselves in minds throughout our days that make up our lives. That we are living out of alignment with who we are, our values, our bliss, our boundaries, and more. It may sound selfish, but I don’t see it that way, I would actually argue if we cannot hold ourselves in mind and take care of our desires, needs, and wants we really cannot extend that to another in an authentic and true way. When we turn our backs on our own selves to be selfless there is something inauthentic about how we are doing for others — rather than it springing forth from a full well of ourselves, it is motivated by a turning away from ourselves to sink into the other, perhaps putting their needs above our own.

This is then applauded by society. This type of person is so selfless and does for others with asking for nothing in return for themselves. What exactly is going on here is where my mind goes? Why is it so difficult for the person to be with herself and be there for one’s self? Often the message is you are selfish and bad for thinking about yourself.

Ah, selfish, selfless — such judgements on people and situations which we hardly know the truth of it at all. It isn’t wise to be selfish and it isn’t unwise to be selfless. We love to organize our minds with things being all good or all bad. The truth is holding yourself in mind is mentally healthy and then allows for us to be there for others that are authentic and true to who we are as we are also held in mind alongside the others we are holding in mind. This can be in parallel and does not need to be an “either/or” situation.

Let’s all practice remembering ourselves first as a basic tenet of good mental health. From there, it’s up to you how you would like to do or not do for others. Selfish, selfless — it’s time to drop these judgments.

Happy Halloween

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Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween to You!

This week marks the epitome of the season. You may find yourself walking through your neighborhood and seeing ghosts, witches, carved pumpkins and more as you wander. Tis the season for Halloween spooks and haunts to come out and play.

Do you get into Halloween? For me, it is a time to don my creativity hat and deck out my home from head to toe with seasonal decorations. And I do mean head to toe. For the past 16 years, I have been collecting seasonal decorations for Halloween and, after all of these years, it is a main event to decorate the Treehouse. Bins full of all sorts of decorations are revealed year after year.

At this point some of these items feel like “old friends.” One of my earliest pieces is a small crow with a purple ribbon around his neck. Each year that I meet him again feels like meeting an old part of myself that used to live in an old apartment with just a little space for something special like Mr. Crow. So, in opening the bins and seeing and touching my decorations is almost like touching parts of myself that are from long ago, but also in my present. I love this.

Creativity, one’s history, and then the spirit of fun all come into play during this spooky Halloween season. Each year, I add some new pieces as well. Inevitably, I donate some pieces that no longer seem to suit and replace them with others that appeal to my eye. At the end of this decorating bonanza, I am literally living in a transformed space which underlies the change of seasons and my own changes within as I ready for the dark days of late Autumn and winter. Even though it is difficult to lose the natural daylight, it is also fun to light up Halloween flames that provide a different light to the home and my days.

I am not sure how you may be celebrating Halloween, but if you celebrate I hope you have a pumpkin to carve or an old friend like my Mr. Crow to sit in a special place in your home or have time to enjoy a walk to see how others may be keeping the spirit of the season. Soon the calendar turns to November — the season of Thanksgiving and gratitude. For now, let’s celebrate the spookiness!

Back From Break

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Back from Break
Garden of the Gods

I am back from break. Funny thing, I didn’t even realize I needed one as badly as I did. Like many of you, the pandemic has certainly slowed down my travels. In one way this was a very good thing as it allowed me to turn toward different adventures, such as setting up my private practice, renovating my home, and making room for a new puppy. However, all this time without a solid break away from my home, my work, and my everyday life had me forget what makes breaks so necessary.

I had given myself one week breaks during the height of the pandemic, but I now know they were not breaks at all, but rather a break from professional work so I could focus on my home renovation – a whole different level of “work” let’s say. Then that slowly wrapped up and I was able to take a one week vacation. Wow! That was refreshing, but just as I was getting into being “off” I was back “on” again.

So, I slated in a full two week break away from home intentionally. I wanted to get away from my life and let myself actually take a full break. Here’s what I noticed:

I didn’t even realize how burned out I had been. I could tell this when, during the midpoint of my break, I started to dream my own dreams both at night and during the day. I had space to let go of all of my daily concerns and be with myself. Not just be me and move through my day, but actually embody myself. It almost scared me to know how well I function in my life even when I am not embodied. And I didn’t even realize it!

The break allowed me to embody myself and craft some new ideas and ways of being in my work and my life. It helped me not only think about my present, but dream on my future. It helped me be present to anxieties I carry within myself and give attention to them in a loving manner. It has given me courage to really change my work calendar and say more “no’s” to others and more “yes’s” to myself.

All of this from a simple break. Yet, I think you can see what I am getting at — to take a break is not simple at all. First and foremost, it takes honoring one’s self and valuing one’s self to step away. Second, to really think on the type of break that is needed. In the heart of the pandemic and in this strange phase we are in now, it is hard to think one needs a break — but, I bet you do. I certainly did.

Now, I am back in the driver’s seat of my life once again. I had anxiety returning. Would I lose myself again? Would I not have the courage to say no? Would the ideas I am dreaming on for myself and my life simply fade? All of these ideas flooded my mind as the miles flew by toward home.

How to calm that anxiety when you return from break? Take it slow, take it one day at a time, and stay closely connected to self — from there adjust. Much of this first phase of being back is about adjusting — to a new schedule, to a new way of conducting business, to incorporating novel things into my routine — first adjust. Then, l wait and see what unfolds from there.

And, yes, I am already dreaming on my next break.

Bravery

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Bravery

Bravery.

I don’t often think about this characteristic in myself or in others and yet it is one of those that seems to either drive one’s entire life or is left out altogether. What does it even mean to be brave? I am sure the dictionary has a clever definition of this substantive word, but I often like to ask myself what does the word mean to me — or to turn and ask what it means to you?

For me, bravery means you are “out on the edge of the branch” with yourself. You recognize what is safe and what is risky and, if it really means a lot to yourself, you take the chance and risk into something that is out of one’s comfort zone — that takes bravery. That takes leading life “out there” not know what will happen, but also knowing you have your own back to catch yourself if you fall rather than fly.

Is that how you would define bravery? I would be curious to hear your definition.

How do you know when you are being brave? Well, when you are scared to speak a truth or have a conversation at all — that is brave. If you are doing something for the first time that is uncomfortable and unfamiliar — that is brave. If you are risking a part of yourself to love, to create, to enjoy, and to do just about anything else — that is brave. Breaking a pattern or a way of being — that is brave.

Sometimes it is important to remind one’s self all the ways you’ve been brave in your life to date. My guess is you are already braver than you think. Make sure to take the long inventory of your life to think through how bravery has played into your life in so many of the decisions you have made. For me, I have a laundry list — heading to India on an intuitive notion and giving up my whole world to reconcile my bi-racial identity, meeting a man and moving countries to find out what we may be to one another and ending up marrying him 18 years ago, creating a start-up business out of pure passion and riding her to the end and letting go when it was long past time, facing myself both the good and bad parts and extending compassion to both.

I am thinking you have your own unique bravery list, but I also want to shine the spotlight on people who don’t care to be brave. For some, this is not how they want to lead life. Instead they value safety, familiarity, patterns and rhythms that are abiding through the ages personally and across time. This may take the shape of someone who accepts things at status quo, lives the life that was laid before them as a child and walked on through, and does not break out or away from the known throughout life. I don’t necessarily think these people are not brave, I just don’t think they prize this as a desirable characteristic.

Yet, even then, to live is brave. Even if we are to go forward with no abrupt changes or departures, we will grow up, grow old, lose loved ones, make decisions related to our careers, perhaps meet and marry and maybe raise a family. Even in the mundane, bravery is brimming over the cup. To be human, to live is to be brave. It does not have to be any extraordinary journey that we need embrace to claim it for ourselves.

To live is to be brave.If you were to define bravery, how would you frame it for yourself? From there, what has been your bravest moment in this life?

Cheers to you and your bravery.

How Helplessness Serves Us

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How Helplessness Serves Us
How does helplessness serve you?

Helplessness is not something that any of us aspire to, right? To be helpless is to feel out of control, unable to make a difference, and a general feeling of being useless to improve a situation.

Not good, right? Most of us seek to feel and be helpful to ourselves and others in our community. However, sometimes we use helplessness as a defense to not have to take responsibility for ourselves and actions. We may not even be conscious of doing this, but we claim “We didn’t know,” or “We didn’t know what to do” or “I’ve never had to deal with this before,” and more.

Whenever you hear yourself or others saying these types of phrases, raising your consciousness that you have said such a thing and becoming curious about what may or may not be going on is essential. Perhaps you truly are helpless in a situation but perhaps, in order to not have to fully engage, you say these things to get distance and not have to take ownership.

All of us have taken this stance at one time or another. When we are out of our comfort zone, we often feel helpless. There is nothing wrong with the feeling. Actually, making peace with a feeling of helplessness is important. From there, instead of making excuses to gain that distance and get out from uncomfortable situations, we can move in and tolerate feelings of not knowing and how this may shake us to the core. However, it can also lead us to tolerating this state and move toward trying to figure it out so we can be helpful and feel we can do something about a situation.

With the Black Lives Matter Movement, this is a place where we may feel helpless. In feeling this, we may just close our eyes to the pain in our society, we may run away, we may try to adhere to a neutral stance, or just check out. Instead of taking these actions, feeling our helplessness and moving toward it to greater understanding can move us out of using our helplessness to keep us distant, in denial. and upholding the systems in place as they are.

Replacing helplessness with curiosity is key to openings for ourselves, our community, and to creating systems that incorporate the entire society. Next time you feel helpless instead of running away, run in and engage, open up to curiosity, and see where this may take you to a place where you can feel helpful.