Holiday Gifting

Holiday gifting. Does it bring you delight to see all the gifts under the tree or dread? Or would you love to see all the gifts if there wasn’t all the work and expense that had to be done to produce such a scene?

I was at a comedy show recently and the comedian was talking about her Mother announcing that they were cutting back on gifts and that everyone should do the same. How would you feel if someone said this in your family? Gifting is over! Of course, the comedian went on to say her Mother had ordered her a bunch of stuff and so actually the gifting was on — it just sounded good to say at the start of the season.

I get it — holiday gifting is a fundamental part of most Christmas traditions. People grew up with gifts and want to give and receive gifts as adults. To not have a pile feels — well — just wrong. However, I had the opportunity this particular holiday season to doe exactly that and not buy any gifts.

Well, I bought a few presents for people who I knew could use some holiday cheer. However, my annual list of “have to buy for these people no matter what” stopped. As I have been walking through the season it feels tremendously freeing to not have any gifts to have to buy as well as strange. How can I possibly walk through a department store and not buy bunches of stuff to give to people? It’s so much a part and parcel of who I am and how I celebrate the holidays. Well, it all feels odd.

Such an experiment is not for the faint of heart. I almost feel like I will be dreading Christmas morning with nothing to give or receive — and yet there are different things that I want this year that really can’t come wrapped in a box with a bow. Gifts of love, presence, kindness, opportunity, persistence, striving, and more that I want in my life more than any goods.

And that is what I am giving myself this year — as well as to my family and friends. It’s less expensive in some ways and more expensive in others. It’s me and my life that I am crafting that I seek to shape not in the direction of commercial goods, but into a direction of crafting a life I am happy to lead.

Maybe it’s too radical to ask you to join me this year, but perhaps something to hold in mind for next season. If the thought of not buying gifts for your loved ones gets you upset, defensive or afraid, it’s probably right where you need to be.

Here’s to gifting — gifts that can be seen and unseen. I’m in the latter category this year.

Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude. It’s November. Tomorrow, we celebrate Thanksgiving Day in America. The idea of giving thanks is baked into our culture — along with the pies. Now is the time to count your blessings.

I remember a few decades ago — it must have been back in the 90s — when expressing gratitude and actually chronicling what you were grateful for in a formal journal could really aid in people feeling more satisfied with their daily lives. Also, it became a way to cultivate the mindset of looking for things to be grateful for in one’s life each and every day.

I’ll admit I drank the proverbial Kool Aid and bought that journal and for years — literally years — I wrote down five things I was grateful for each and every day. And, yes, it was a practice that had me looking and finding the good in each day. I filled reams of journals that could attest to the fact that I had a life that I should be grateful for.

I never thought I would get away from that perspective — and would keep it going all the days of my life. But, I think all of those gratitude journals set me up for living life with a certain bent toward being grateful in my life. I departed my town and went traveling and stepped away from all of the gratitude giving journaling, but I still kept the spirit alive in my heart and how I met life.

All this to say, gratitude, gratefulness, giving thanks is a spirit within not necessarily a practice that needs a gold star. If you are here reading my words, I am grateful you are here. It’s in the spirit of my writing right now. Let’s not forget, it’s not about the doing of writing down what we are grateful for, but rather an orientation toward life that sprouts from this that is important. The former can help cultivate the spirit, but should never be used to guilt or attack yourself if you aren’t keeping the practice.

Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Mattering

Mattering

Mattering. To matter to another.

I never even heard of this concept until I read an article in the NYT about it.

Mattering is not just that you belong to a group of family, friends, and/or like-minded individuals, but that you also matter to them. The article hones in on mattering to a group because of what you do and/or contribute. This sounds well and truly valid. You do something, people notice and appreciate that act, and you come to matter to those people. This is then part and parcel of how we build our sense of self.

All true, and yet I have problems with all this doing.

As a therapist, I hear many stories people relate about their doings in the world — and either how they feel they matter or do not matter to others when they are doing all this stuff. Yes, just because you are doing does not mean you are mattering — and therein lies the problem.

I like to think about mattering in terms of our being state. We matter to others because of who we are not because of what we do. If we are always trying to do to matter, it can really lead to disappointment. First, your banking on someone else to notice what you are doing, appreciating it, and telling you you matter because of it — which keeps us doing for them. What if the other does not perceive all of your doing in this benign way?

Second, you could have gotten the message that you hold no value unless you are doing. So you do more and more hoping to matter more and more — and the cycle becomes never ending because the needs of others and organizations are never ending. Talk about a straight path to burnout.

Third, it almost feels taboo in society to simply be without doing. To hold value just for who you are. If we can matter for our being, then what can we do? Well, we have choice to decide what we will or won’t do and not just find worth in endless doing for others. We can simply be. That almost feels impossible today to not be doing for someone or some cause. To claim value in mattering because you are you.

The foundation is to matter for who you are and then to have choice in what and how much you do. This also provides agency to not let others dictate your worth, but to recognize you have worth without doing a thing.

You matter for being who you are first and foremost.

To Be Selfish — or Not?

To be selfish -- or not?
Selfish or Selfless?

To be selfish — or not? That is the question.

I am always reading the news and find myself stumbling upon articles around mental health, which, of course, catch my attention. This week it was an article in the Times about The Benefits of Wise Selfishness. I had to laugh out loud as I read how the article had to spin selfishness (something our society judges as a bad thing) into something that is OK to be these days. Actually necessary.

I tend to agree with this article, but I wouldn’t call it “wise” but rather absolutely necessary and critical to our own mental health. And it is mind boggling to me that people feel that it is wrong to think about themselves and hold their interests in mind. Like everything, just because we are thinking about ourselves does not mean we can’t also think about the other.

If you think about it, in the airplanes, during the safety instructions, parents are always told to put on their own oxygen mask on before putting it on their child. Intuitively, we must be cared for before we can offer care to another — even our own child in this case!

It is important that we hold ourselves in minds throughout our days that make up our lives. That we are living out of alignment with who we are, our values, our bliss, our boundaries, and more. It may sound selfish, but I don’t see it that way, I would actually argue if we cannot hold ourselves in mind and take care of our desires, needs, and wants we really cannot extend that to another in an authentic and true way. When we turn our backs on our own selves to be selfless there is something inauthentic about how we are doing for others — rather than it springing forth from a full well of ourselves, it is motivated by a turning away from ourselves to sink into the other, perhaps putting their needs above our own.

This is then applauded by society. This type of person is so selfless and does for others with asking for nothing in return for themselves. What exactly is going on here is where my mind goes? Why is it so difficult for the person to be with herself and be there for one’s self? Often the message is you are selfish and bad for thinking about yourself.

Ah, selfish, selfless — such judgements on people and situations which we hardly know the truth of it at all. It isn’t wise to be selfish and it isn’t unwise to be selfless. We love to organize our minds with things being all good or all bad. The truth is holding yourself in mind is mentally healthy and then allows for us to be there for others that are authentic and true to who we are as we are also held in mind alongside the others we are holding in mind. This can be in parallel and does not need to be an “either/or” situation.

Let’s all practice remembering ourselves first as a basic tenet of good mental health. From there, it’s up to you how you would like to do or not do for others. Selfish, selfless — it’s time to drop these judgments.

Freudenfreude for the Other

Freudenfreude for the Other
Freudenfreude or Schadenfreude — how do you relate?

Freudenfreude for the other — I will admit it, I had never heard of this term. Of course, I know about its opposite — Schadenfreude — essentially taking glee in another’s bad news, misfortune, tragedies, and more. Why do people get so much satisfaction from secretly seeing someone come upon problems in her life?

We probably have felt it ourselves and we certainly have been on the receiving end — that comment, that lack of empathy to our plight, and more. We can sometimes pick up that someone is actually happy about our troubles. It is troubling to pick up on this when it happens, but it is a phenomenon. Interested to learn more? Check out this book.

So, I was very surprised to learn another — more uplifting concept – Freudenfreude, when I read this article in the New York Times recently. This is a term that is about cultivating joy for another regardless of our own circumstances. Some very solid examples are highlighted in this article. The author describes Freudenfreude for the other as based on being joyful regardless of our own circumstances. This is why it can be so difficult — easy to do when we feel good about our lot in life and very difficult to do when we feel envy, jealousy, and other negative emotions when someone’s success feels threatening to us in some way.

A concept such as this one provides us an opportunity to reflect and see how we feel about another’s success? Is it a threat to you? Are you genuinely happy for someone else’s success or is it a mask? When someone is doing poorly for any reason, do you delight in it in some way? How do you orientate to the other when their news comes up. Do you hold a consistent pattern or does it change based on what is going on in your life.

The article is all around cultivating more Freudenfreude in one’s life. Some solid suggestions, but a couple of them advise “seeing other’s success as a community success” and “your own success as a communal effort.” I will say I have an issue with these pieces of advice. Why must it be about you and why must what you do be about the other? Isn’t the point to feel good for another for what she has done and also owning our own accomplishments as ours. Of course, both often involve the other, but it feels like we should be able to stand on our own two feet with feeling pride for ourselves and for the other as an individual. These pieces of advice remind of current parenting techniques, where everyone gets a prize.

The truth is not everyone gets a prize all the time. Being able to sit back and genuinely feel good for another no matter what is going on in our own lives and to expect others to feel this for us in turn is a mark of maturity and something to strive for — and it may cultivate more joy in your own life.

Fredenfreude for the other — and for ourselves.

Peekaboo Moments

Peekaboo Moments
Peekaboo – Are You Still There?

Do you remember peekaboo moments with your parents? It’s probably one of the earliest games parents play with children. First, it is super easy. Second, it’s a game that can be played anywhere. Third, it delights both parent and child. Mother and/or father cover their eyes and baby doesn’t know where her caretaker went. Although the person is right there, without eye contact, baby feels lost. That’s why the peek lasts just a second or two and then Mom or Dad says “Boo” and they are back with their child and the child knows their beloved parent has returned.

We think of this as a baby’s game. Simple to play and understand — except it is actually anything but simple. Peekaboo gets played again and again throughout our lives. Depending on how mother and father played the game with us – the literal and metaphorical game – tells us much about how we will handle our own peekaboo moments in our adult lives.

If we have a secure connection to our parents we learn that when mom and dad go away not only will they be back, but they will also meet our needs. From there, we have the opportunity to develop security within self to meet others and explore our world. If we are not secure that mom and dad will still be there when they go into the peek it can be scary to see the parent return with the “boo.” Further, it can be difficult as we grow up to keep this connection to our primary caretakers and have trust that our needs will be met by them. Often we have not had time or space to figure out ourselves and our own worlds when we don’t have this secure foundation of connection.

Fast forward to being an adult and peekaboo moments unfold left and right — we just don’t see them from this frame. Often this most often can be seen with our love interests. First, when we meet someone whom we are romantically interested in, some part of ourselves is on the line in ways that may not be when we are forming friendships, although these moments can play out in friendships too or any relationship in fact.

What happens? We meet and then the person disappears. You may have exchanged phone numbers, you may already be communicating, you may have even had coffee or another date or two. However, when the connection time is over, the peek comes in, i.e. the person takes their leave. Now, how we handle this moment says much about our connection to ourselves and how we experienced those original peekaboo moments with our first caretakers.

What do I mean? Well, check in with yourself. Does it make you nervous to be in their absence? Do you find yourself calling them in an anxious state to see (for yourself) if they are still there and still interested in you — if they pick up the phone and you hear their voice — is there an immediate end to your anxious state? Of course that is the “boo” moment – that special moment when the person reappears. What happens? If anxiety is not alleviated, do you find yourself angry or agitated. My guess is by tuning into how you deal with the peekaboo game with your adult relationships will reveal insight into how you experienced this with your earliest connections.

This is a place to drop defenses and become curious.

Ideally, when we meet someone it is completely exciting. We often fall down the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole into something amazing. However, part of the amazement is being able to tolerate the peekaboo moments – when the person is there and then is not. After all, we are getting to know someone and they are getting to know us. It takes time — and more than a few seconds like we experienced in that early game in our lives.

Framing this type of anxiety into a game of peekaboo where we have a chance to not only experience how we feel when the peek and the boo take place, but also observe what this may say about our earliest time in our lives and how we were received by our primary caretakers.

Peekaboo! I’ll be right back!

Puppy Love

Puppy Love

Puppy Love — it’s real!

It seems everywhere I look around my neighborhood there are puppies. During this COVID pandemic I have heard it’s a thing – getting a puppy – and now I know it is true. I walk anywhere and there is a six month old puppy walking along her happy owner. Perhaps you are one of these people who got a pup at the beginning of quarantine.

And what lucky puppies they are. Everyone is at home with hardly a thing to do. What could be a better time to enjoy a puppy and give time to play, walk, train, and be with puppy. I think our little animal friends can provide a calming effect on people as we deal with these odd times. Instead of focusing on all that feels blocked and off this year, puppy gives us something to focus on and enjoy in the here and now — allowing us to be in the present moment rather than getting into thoughts of an anxious future.

Only thing — puppy costs quite a bit these days. Specialized diet, toys, training, vet bills, possibly insurance, and more — it is a significant expense to undertake a puppy who becomes a dog for the long term. So, keep this in mind. Second, keep in mind your schedule. If you are working from home for the foreseeable future, this may not be a problem, but it’s important to note your schedule and how it may change. And when it does, what will happen to puppy? Keep this in mind too.

Outside of the considerations, pets help regulate us and our own emotions, help us remain in the present, and ease our anxiety as they grow into this fun world. For them, it is fun. Keep the puppy love going and take some advice from our little furry friends.

Everything is going to be alright!

Needing Help and Feeling Helpless

Needing Help and Feeling Helpless

We all need help. Yet, it’s a curious thing that needing help can often leave us feeling helpless.

Help is important as we navigate life. There is a lot to wade through, challenges to meet, deadlines to honor, things we need to know — sometimes we don’t know, sometimes we are overwhelmed by everything we have to do, sometimes the challenges seem insurmountable. In those times, it is natural to reach out for help. We are a community of people who need one another.

Why then is asking for help so often a challenge — one that can evoke shame and a deep felt sense of helplessness? I think about little babies who rely on someone else to “help” them get all of their needs met — the most basic ones of life actually. Food, sleep, change of diaper, active engagement with another. Baby looks to Mom and other caregivers for help with everything because baby is helpless to do any of these things for himself.

Now, here is an interesting question. Do you know how your caregiver treated you when you had all of those needs and had to have them by met by him or her? Often it is this early knowing of how our helpless selves’ needs were met that can clue us into how, as adults, we ask for and receive help from others. If, as babies, our parents did not do a good job at meeting our needs when we were helpless to meet them ourselves, it can often leave us with a felt sense in our implicit memory (the memories we hold before we consciously are aware of remembering) that to have our needs is to be too much to other people – needing help makes us feel helpless. Often out of this felt sense. we seek to help ourselves as we have had to all of our lives without relying on others.

Needing help leads to an uncomfortable feeling of helplessness that we seek to avoid. So, how can we need help and not feel the despair of being helpless? One, recognize that all of us need help at times. It may not be for every basic need we had as infants, but help is necessary and needed throughout our lives.

Second, equating needing help to being helpless is a misnomer. Often needing help is you recognizing your needs and getting them met — which is the exact opposite of being helpless. Taking action to get help is antithetical to being helpless.

Third, if this idea resonates within you or causes you anxiety, i.e. your need for help leads you to feeling helpless, it may be a good topic to bring in to your therapist to explore as this patterned thinking may have been set from your early days with how your earliest needs were or were not met. This type of therapeutic processing may help you let go of feeling that your needs, particularly for help, is something to feel ashamed of rather than applauded.

I am reminded of Dumbledore’s own advice to Harry Potter regarding help and how it is given at Hogwarts. Please remember, you deserve help.

I remember the famous Harry Potter movies and Dumbledore telling Harry about hel

Dear Therapist: Communicating Needs to Your Partner

Communicating Needs to Your Partner

Dear Therapist:

Recently, I had a heart-to-heart talk with my partner about a need I have that I had never told her about — she felt terrible thinking that for the entirety of our relationship she had let me down. I think that’s a bit extreme, but it became a big issue. Weeks later she brought it up again and this time she asked, “Why haven’t you asked me if there is something else I need from you too?” This took me aback. Imagine my surprise when I finally asked and she responded, “No, nothing.” Is she joking? What should I make of this?

Sincerely, Hanging on My Needs

Wow! This is one for the communication books indeed. How do we communicate our needs to our partner? What is the right timing? Also, should we assume if our partner is not meeting our needs that we may not be meeting theirs as well? Should we always consider opening it up to not only speaking our needs, but asking about the other’s needs too? So many questions.

If this is a new relationship, it may have taken you awhile to realize which of your needs are not being met to even be able to articulate them to the other. It sounds like you have decided to be “all in” and that feels like a time to start discussing one’s essential relationship needs.

It sounds as though this was a difficult conversation that had you both upset. First, you are explaining something difficult to your partner. In return, your partner has to hear what you are saying. If it’s been awhile that you have been together, it may be hard to hear and one may get defensive.

It is out of this type of set-up that I think it is important to ask the question to your partner. “Is she having all of her needs met by you?” Now that you hear it this way perhaps you feel vulnerable to the answer. Where will that conversation lead? Everybody likes to have the illusion of meeting their partners’ needs. Rarely is it the case that our partner does meet them all, but expressing what is most important to let them become aware to try and meet your needs feels important.

Do keep in mind that no one person can meet our every need. Is this need a make or break deal? Or is it a need that you can get fulfilled elsewhere or by yourself? There is always the give and take in the relationship. My guess is this need you have expressed is really important to you and needed to be expressed.

It is sort of a shock to hear that there is no need of your partner’s that is not being fulfilled. However, take note! She wanted you to offer her the opportunity to tell you if there was something not being met. So, she wants two-way communication with you regarding both of your needs.

Recognizing our needs and communicating them to our partner in a way that moves the relationship forward and does not hurt the other is key to growing together as a couple. The risk is worth it even if there is fear of what you will hear or how the other will react.

Hugs During a Pandemic

Hugs During a Pandemic

Hugs during a pandemic? Are you kidding me?

Are you missing being able to hug someone other than the people you live with? It feels like a hug has become almost as universal a greeting as the handshake for many. You see your friends and automatically want to show them a simple act of affection that brings you close for a second or two and allows for one to feel the touch of human connection.

With COVID-19 happening, the word has been all about keeping distance. Not only hugs, but handshakes, sitting next to somebody or anything else is really not permitted. Now, we have seen the protests nationwide and humans are engaging in touch on a regular basis. We are hoping that numbers of infections remain low, but I think it is smart to discuss how hugs can happen under a pandemic.

This is why I was so excited to read this article in The New York Times about how best to hug during this time. The article provides simple illustrations to point out the best way to hug. Guess which way is best? Here it is:

Hug Facing Opposite Directions!

And there are other ideas that include how to let a child hug you and how to kiss a child — i.e. on the back of her head.

Very clever! With the exposure time being short — less than 10 seconds — it is safe to hug in this way. From there, stand apart and continue to interact. You can have your hug, your conversation, and feel safe as you do both. I feel encouraged by this article. During our strict quarantine, I unexpectedly met a friend at a hiking path and we immediately went into hug one another and then stopped short remembering it was not a good idea. Yet, something had been lost for us both.

Hug away, but do so smartly with your family, friends, and children in your life.