I Know This Much Is True

I Know This Much Is True Review

I Know This Much Is True is a book that was published in the late 1990s by Wally Lamb. Someone gave me a copy that year and I was riveted by the story of these identical brothers and how one has developed full-blown schizophrenia and the other is functioning in his adult world, but emotionally paralyzed.

It’s a dark, sad, harrowing tale about life, mental illness, bad stuff that happens along the way — most of it not of our choosing. When I think about the paths that set these two brothers up for a terrible time in life it has nothing to do with choice, but who they were born to and how they were raised — and by people who had their own traumatic history wrought on them by their elders. The lot of these brothers feels generational, set in stone before their bodies and spirits ever entered. So many of our stories are already written before we are born.

So, this story is a downer. It is difficult to read and now the book has come to the small screen in a six-part limited series that brings the story alive. I had appreciated the book two decades ago and now, having studied mental health counseling for the past four years, I was ready to see this show and look at this story through a more clinical lens. No matter how clinical my eye, this story breaks my heart.

Mark Ruffalo is amazing as he plays both twin brothers. I understand that he shot the scenes as Dominic and then returned months later, weighing 30 lbs more, to play his brother, Thomas. The cast is strong all around, and I get the sense where one brother may be psychologically weak the other has strength and vice versa. Still, for Dominic, who promises his Mother to care for his schizophrenic twin brother for the rest of his days, we get a keen sense of the pain it is to take on such a role.

Each episode, I am actually horrified at what I am watching. It’s not really the mental illness that unfolds in the story, but the everyday catastrophes that we have difficulty facing let alone ever recover from. Our own lives are made up of those moments, people, episodes of difficulty and the way the story is told there is really no place to hide from the raw power of pain.

I do want to recommend this book/show to you. Yes, it is difficult. Certainly, during this pandemic, it may not exactly strike your mood, but it’s worth a watch. This is a six-part series, I am two episodes in. Yes, I am overwhelmed, but I am also riveted for the next episode.

Home School and Kids’ Autonomy

School and Kids' Autonomy

A friend of mine who has two school-aged children was mentioning the recent stress around having her children attend school at home during this pandemic. She and her husband are not ones who were ever in the homeschool camp, and I believe their children are following the on-line curriculum set forth, but something is becoming apparent the longer children are studying at home.

The fact that children not only go to school to learn and socialize, but also to gain autonomy over their selves and their lives as they move through the days and years of their school education. Parents play an important role of support to their kids during this time, but it is about recognizing how they are learning to become self-sufficient, gain confidence, and be able to navigate a world both professionally and personally that is not at home.

Now with children learning at home, parents are now a part and parcel of their kids’ education that does not take these needs into account very easily. First off, the children are at home with their parents. Whatever the patterns of interaction are set at that home base are now going to play out 24/7 with your children. Perhaps at school they have less fear and more confidence than they do at home. Now, all of a sudden, those character traits are no longer around.

Second, children are responsible for their school work and their learning, but this is aided by teachers teaching them who are not our relatives. Our kids have different relationships to their teachers than their parents. It may be that a parent discards certain subjects that a child loves and received affirmation for from his teacher. With that relationship gone, a child is now surrounded by the parent’s judgments on what they should or should not be focused on learning, which robs the child of his autonomy over his interests.

You may also notice that your children moved independently without you during school, but are more dependent on you at home. This is OK when the kids are sitting in both spaces most days, but now, at home, have they reverted to being completely dependent on Mom and Dad for everything. If so, how to encourage them to break away from this pattern, even as the parents are involved in the learning process.

Wow! a kids’ autonomy over himself and his school career can become seriously compromised during this home schooling period of time. Even noticing this tension is an excellent first step in removing one’s self from being so involved that children cannot be themselves as they learn. The parent must first see that their children are not exercising their autonomy to be able to make meaningful changes that will be helpful to their kids.

Once it is recognized, making sure to step back and build in space for them to find their way without you. Yes, you may need to solve tech challenges or answer questions that they are struggling with, but keeping distance and boundaries from your student’s on-line learning process would also be a good idea.

Also, if you are noticing a lack of independence, a reliance on you to solve their school problems, or you becoming too invested in their school work with judgment, it is time to put space in between you and your children’s learning process. Take a breath and break. Remember most of the time, you are not at school with them observing anything. Instead of trying to control what you are observing, give more space and sit back and notice what is unfolding. This is an unusual time that allows for you to observe your children in a new setting.

Noticing, observing, doing less, controlling less are all keys to helping kids hold on to and continue to develop their autonomy during this challenging time of going to school at home with Mom and Dad as central participants in the learning these days.

Zoom Exhaustion

Zoom Exhaustion
Zoom Exhaustion Setting In?

When the idea of social distancing became a thing a few months ago, there was the idea that we could all stay connected to our family and friends even as we isolate ourselves in our home. All of a sudden “Zoom” became a thing. I had never heard of it before, but all of a sudden friends were holding Zoom Happy Hours, Zoom Book Clubs, Zoom Dinners, Zoom Movie Nights and then Zoom meetings and Zoom classes for work.

WOW! I had to marvel about the fact that COVID-19 came around when man had developed technology to a point where we could all remain together even as we are apart. It sounded brilliant and every chance I could get I said yes to a Zoom this and a Zoom that. Being together while never leaving my home sounded like the best of both possible worlds.

For myself, I noticed after the first couple, I was pretty exhausted. It felt hard to hear people, only one person could really be speaking at a time, and then everyone had to ring in with a different comment regarding what was said. To try and move on to another topic without giving everyone who spoke a good amount of time for comments and feedback felt rude.

One time, someone shared a tragic piece of health news that she may have wanted only a few people to know, but with everyone gathered at the Zoom Happy Hour, her entire health diagnosis was made clear to everyone. Awkward. I was holding information that I most likely should not have been and under any usual circumstance would not know.

Of course, there are also the technology challenges — slow Internet, bad connection, in and out voices, people muting themselves or not, people’ video popping on and off. I am also doing all of these things too which I know may be adding to someone else’s stressful experience. I think, by now, we all know the ups and downs of Zoom connections – whether for personal or professional use.

So, I guess I am not surprised that all of a sudden there are a slew of articles talking about Zoom Exhaustion. This may come after having been on virtual calls all day, being more anxious and needing time on your own to sort through your feelings, general annoyance at how clunky Zoom meetings feel, obligation to have to connect this way since everyone knows you are home and not going out with supposed time on your hands, and more.

How to handle? First notice do you want to socialize virtually? If so — and I do not assume that your answer is yet — then to what extent do you want to socialize virtually and how often? Once you have these questions answered you can stay true to yourself as you with accept or decline offers to engage virtually. For myself, I engage virtually for work completely.

As a result, in my personal life, I am not too keen to engage via Zoom for fun gatherings. Rather, I prefer to have telephone chats or FaceTime one-on-one with someone. I have been invited to several Zoom gatherings, and I now just tell my friends that I find it too stressful of a medium for me and that I won’t be joining. Of course, I ask them not to take offense and I think most people respond positively, i.e. to do what I need to do to care for myself.

All of us understanding how people are feeling stress and exhaustion even when it comes to social connecting with a medium like Zoom is really important. If you are the person who is setting up the Zoom calls and want to connect, it’s important to take care of you and have the people on the Zoom who really want to be there and not just attending out of obligation to the group.

Everything is a balance, including Zoom calls these days. Remember too, if you are going to engage, keep some Zoom Etiquette guidelines in mind to make the experience good for everyone.

Zoom Exhaustion is real. Respect it and take care of yourself above all. And let us all look forward to the day we can hang out together.

Dear Therapist: Virtual Happy Hour Etiquette

Virtual Happy Hour

Dear Therapist:

Well, I’m at home most days all day long and the only way I connect with others is through technology. Most people are using Zoom, which I appreciate as I can see tons of my colleagues and friends all at one time. However, during casual Zoom gatherings, everyone is talking at one time or people take turns talking and all eyes are on that person. I know it’s a virtual Happy Hour, but it feels weird. Any advice on how to make casual Zoom gatherings easier for everyone to participate and feel heard?

Sincerely, Zooming Away

Sounds like you are a whole lot like me these days where most of our social connection outside of our immediate family is via technology. Any chance I get, I appreciate hopping on to a Zoom meeting for work or for fun to connect with others today. Recently, I too have noticed that work meetings seem to run smoother than casual meet ups on Zoom.

I think this is because when we are meeting for work or a class, the host has several rules set up that everyone must follow. The host asks the participants to “mute” themselves to clear out background noise, as well as use the “raise hand” feature when you have something to say so that people can take turns participating.

However, when you are thinking about a casual Zoom happy hour or other type of meetup, the last thing you want to do is employ rules. Yet, we may need to in order to connect in the best way possible. Sticking with the “mute” button is a good thing to use whether business or personal – the background noise cut out really helps.

Regarding people talking over one another is difficult, but perhaps you should ease up. Think about meeting up people at a crowded bar. It is loud, people are all talking at once, and it is difficult to keep up. However, I think this is something we are all missing right now, i.e. a crowd of people chatting together. Only thing is given the medium, people want to hear what people are saying. In the bar, what often happens is small groups of conversation begin to form and while everyone is together different conversations are happening at the same time. This is almost impossible on a Zoom meeting.

Which then leads to the awkwardness you are experiencing. One person is speaking, everyone listens and is focused on that one person, and then everyone chimes in one at a time about what the person has said. It definitely puts that person in the “hot seat” of attention and also nothing else can be spoken about because the attention is going to only one person. And then how to move on, especially if the person has shared something really difficult?

Ah! What to do? I don’t think there is much that can be done. This medium is odd for casual gatherings. Accepting this and moving into what it does offer, i.e. a big group of people we can see at once in a time when we hardly see anyone may be worth the difficulty of easy flow connection.

Be forgiving, find energy from the field of people who have come together, and don’t take any of it too seriously. The point is to connect. Let the rest go!

Human Connection without Touch

Elbow Bumps allow human connection without touching hands
The New Handshake: The Elbow Bump

Human connection without touch? Is that even possible?

I don’t think any of us realized until this time, how much humans touch one another. Of course, in our families we are constantly touching one another. We truly are mammals looking for touch and we give it freely and openly with our families – hugging, touching, holding, and more.

These days, we are now coming to realize how much we touch others who are not in our family inner circle. We greet friends with hugs, business associates with handshakes, and gym instructors with fist bumps. We are constantly touching others in our lives.

Many people are actually not comfortable with the welcome hug from the other, but, up until now, seemed to be a social taboo to not receive and give the hug. For these people, the times we are living in is providing some very welcome distance from touch from people. However, for many of us this is how we move through our days – with a touch here and a touch there.

Now, all of that needs to stop. Not only should you not touch, you should be 3 to 6 feet away from each other. So, what to do? How do we stay connected with limited to no touch?

Well, the elbow bump became one way to touch, but stay safe. However, with recommendations of staying apart from one another physically there is no longer room for touch among fellow humans. Yet, we need it. If you ever observe chimpanzees or gorillas, species that are so close to us, they are constantly touching and grooming each other all the time. Is it any wonder we seek to do the same through our own human ways?

Well, at home, with your loved ones and pets, I imagine a lot more touching is happening. Go ahead and do so – we all need it! If you don’t live with anyone, human or pet, reach out via technology for virtual hugs and touch. Even the symbols may help feel human touch and thus promote connection.

Another idea? Watch videos of people hugging and being together. The sense of sight will connect to the viewing of human touch and further help with feeling connected in this way. Of course, there is also the idea of touching other living things – such as hugging a tree or caring for plants and flowers. All are living parts of nature that can promote the idea of being connected to touch.

We may be limited in the amount of human-to-human touch at this time, but know that we all need it and get creative in bringing touch and connection into your life.

Kindness Matters

Hands giving and receiving flowers in an act of kindness

I was reviewing my Twitter feed and someone wrote, “Kindness matters.”

For some reason these two words made me stop in my tracks. It feels like there isn’t a whole lot of kindness around these days. Although I do see it on a a more personal one-on-one level more often than on community or society levels. Of course, the argument can be made that individual acts of kindness lead to the whole of a community or society embracing kindness.

I can understand that argument and I tend to disagree with it these days.

What I observe is kindness to those who are like us and we judge as deserving of it or, if the person is not like us, we can somehow feel good about our kind acts which may lead to deeper inroads of kindness remaining close to home. As an example, if you give a meal to a homeless man on the street, this would be regarded as a kind act that you decided to do. Yes, it is kind. Yes, you should feel good about helping someone. No, it does not mean that kindness is now spreading throughout the community.

Enough of these acts and it is supposed to roll on up into a big tidal wave of human kindness. What I observe are many acts like these happening on the personal level and the toil and trouble and unkindness on the larger levels. As an example, I happened to post something politically on social media that lead to an uproar of meanness and hatred. So quick, so fast. Name calling started happening instead of a curious posture. Fire erupted that was the exact opposite of choosing to be kind to another whom you don’t know but appears different to you.

Things are automatic these days, including our acts of kindness. Of course, most of us have no problem extending kindness to our friends and family and people we feel are on “our side.” Also, when we get to determine who to be kind to, kindness abounds. However, the exact opposite is true as well. If our beliefs and/or ideas are challenged, stretched, or otherwise foreign to who we are, automatic meanness seems to pop up as the go to solution.

Kindness matters whether we have agency over the decision of who we are being kind to or not. If we could all take a kind, curious posture no matter what we are meeting in any given day, I think kindness might have a chance at winning the day. Being kind on one level and the exact opposite on another is a mean split that is tearing up society — faster than I can keep up with these days.

The Therapeutic Alliance

The therapeutic alliance is a key component to good therapy.
Therapy Offers a Chance for an Alliance!

When I was in graduate school, we were often taught about the “therapeutic alliance.” That feeling the therapist extends to a client to let them know we are aligned with them and their needs, desires, hopes, fears, and anything else he is bringing into the therapy room. I am struck by how clinician-focused this term is when therapists-in-training are taught about it in school.

Yes, the therapist must align and become an ally to one who is seeking therapy, but even more important is for the client to feel an alliance with his therapist. I believe school teaches practitioners that this will happen naturally for the client if we align ourselves with them and, yet, I feel that a client must gauge for themselves if someone if therapeutically attuning to him.

How can you even know if a therapist is forming an alliance with you? And what if the therapist is doing all the right things, but it just doesn’t feel right to you?

Aha! Those are the important questions to keep in mind when creating a new relationship with a therapist. We have been taught how to form an alliance with you, but I don’t think there is much thought given to educating the public who seek therapy regarding whether someone is a good fit or not for you.

My number one suggestion to you is to gain an intuitive sense about what you are looking for in a clinician. Do you want someone direct or perhaps indirect? Do you want someone to stay silent or do you really need to have the person responding to you throughout the session? Are you interested in learning new coping skills or are you there to take a deep dive into old patterns? Depending on your answers to these types of questions, you can observe if the therapist sitting in front of you is going to form an alliance that is supportive of you and your unique self.

There is no one therapist who can meet everyone’s needs and desires. That is not even the point. As much as you the client are unique, so too are the therapists. We have been taught a particular set of skills to align with you, but it is general and not specific to any one person. The magic is when you find a therapist who does align with what you need and who you are that can make the work be wholly attuned to you.

And what if we are doing everything that seems like we are a good match and alliance for you, but you are still not feeling it? It’s completely OK to be honest about it not being the right match for you. We are always trying our best to match and align with you, and we also know it doesn’t always happen. Find your voice and say as much.

The therapeutic alliance is a must and is a golden space when we align from both sides — the Clinician and Client sides.

Dear Therapist: My Heart is on the Line

Dear Therapist:

I told my special someone that I love her. Dang! She didn’t return the sentiment. I’m all in and she’s not. What do I do now?

Signed, Heart On the Line

How courageous to have acted on how you felt and let your partner know. Sometimes this is the only way to open up dialogue about where the two of you are in relation to one another.

I hear how “out there” you feel given your partner has not returned her love to you. It may be a good idea to take an honest assessment of the situation – were you surprised or not? Do you feel you are on the same page with one another or did you feel that you are more invested in the two of you than your partner?

These types of questions can help you discern how you are feeling both on the surface and underneath as well. If you are in love with someone, it is natural to express it with freedom and truth. That turning toward love is worthy. Now that you know it is not returned to you in the same way, you can decide how you want to proceed with your partner and/or on your own.

This is a crossroads moment in many ways. Are you willing to wait and see if your feelings will be returned? Is it not enough to be the only one feeling the love at this point? How does your partner feel about your love? Is it prompting her to draw closer or further away from you? Notice how you are feeling as you interact and observe what is happening between the two of you.

Yes, your heart is on the line and now, because of your courageous expression of love, your partner’s truth is also on the line. What you notice and observe about yourself, your partner, and the two of you together will be key to the next steps you take.

How to Show Love Now and Always

Presence is Key!

What’s the key to love?

Haven’t poets and authors and actors waxed and waned over the years as to how to show the person you love that you indeed love her?

There is always a laundry list of “ways to show love” and “things you can do to show love.” Ah, these lists are full of small and large gestures, words to use, and presents to give the other. So many good ideas, but I am also amazed at how often it is all about the doing and very little around being.

Being together and being present to the other seems to me to be the number one way to show your partner how much you love her. That’s right — no big money, no big outside gesture, no prescribed words – just you being with your partner. Completely.

This is so difficult to do that most of us are running to those lists for the big outer thing we can do to show it — anything to avoid actually being completely attuned to another.

And, yet, isn’t that what many of us yearn for on a day-to-day basis. Someone greeting us when we come home at night and listening deeply and intently to our words and responding in kind in ways that make us feel heard, understood, and cherished.

Or when we wake up in the morning. Someone asking us how we slept, did we dream, how are you feeling as the day begins?

Or midday, your partner calls you in the middle of it all and says, “How’s it going? and then waits to hear all about it. Then, lends a reassuring statement like, “Can’t wait to hear more tonight.”

Can you imagine having your partner’s presence throughout your day such as this? Talk about showing love and the other receiving and feeling it. Even better if both partners can strive for this type of presence with one another.

The number one way to show your love is being present to the other with all of your being.

Try it – it’s so significant and transformative.

Puppy Love

Puppy Love

We can learn so much from our pets, particularly if you have dogs. I have nothing against cats – I even have one of my own – but there is something about how a dog, one’s loyal companion, interacts with you that can heal a broken heart, extend love, provide companionship when we are lonely, witness all of ourselves, protect fiercely, and love honestly.

Dogs are authentically themselves. You really don’t have to think too much about what they are thinking, will they or will they not be there for you, harsh judgment, a snippy reply and many other human foibles we all make each every day.

The beauty of being with our dogs can teach us how to be better for ourselves and for one another. I often think if I just took a page from my dog’s book, I would find my days easy to walk through and I would constantly be bringing good to others and our world.

This week, as we celebrate love, don’t forget your pets. Embrace them and be curious as to how much your pooch can teach you as you relate to the others in your life.