Tag Archives: Money

Holiday Gifting

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Holiday gifting. Does it bring you delight to see all the gifts under the tree or dread? Or would you love to see all the gifts if there wasn’t all the work and expense that had to be done to produce such a scene?

I was at a comedy show recently and the comedian was talking about her Mother announcing that they were cutting back on gifts and that everyone should do the same. How would you feel if someone said this in your family? Gifting is over! Of course, the comedian went on to say her Mother had ordered her a bunch of stuff and so actually the gifting was on — it just sounded good to say at the start of the season.

I get it — holiday gifting is a fundamental part of most Christmas traditions. People grew up with gifts and want to give and receive gifts as adults. To not have a pile feels — well — just wrong. However, I had the opportunity this particular holiday season to doe exactly that and not buy any gifts.

Well, I bought a few presents for people who I knew could use some holiday cheer. However, my annual list of “have to buy for these people no matter what” stopped. As I have been walking through the season it feels tremendously freeing to not have any gifts to have to buy as well as strange. How can I possibly walk through a department store and not buy bunches of stuff to give to people? It’s so much a part and parcel of who I am and how I celebrate the holidays. Well, it all feels odd.

Such an experiment is not for the faint of heart. I almost feel like I will be dreading Christmas morning with nothing to give or receive — and yet there are different things that I want this year that really can’t come wrapped in a box with a bow. Gifts of love, presence, kindness, opportunity, persistence, striving, and more that I want in my life more than any goods.

And that is what I am giving myself this year — as well as to my family and friends. It’s less expensive in some ways and more expensive in others. It’s me and my life that I am crafting that I seek to shape not in the direction of commercial goods, but into a direction of crafting a life I am happy to lead.

Maybe it’s too radical to ask you to join me this year, but perhaps something to hold in mind for next season. If the thought of not buying gifts for your loved ones gets you upset, defensive or afraid, it’s probably right where you need to be.

Here’s to gifting — gifts that can be seen and unseen. I’m in the latter category this year.

Money and Spreadsheets

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Money and Spreadsheets

Times are tough – as they always are when it’s the topic of money.  As such, financial experts and advisors tell people to create a budget and stick to it. Indeed, I hear a lot of people are tracking their money these days.  One of the best ways people do this is by creating a spreadsheet. If you set it up right, the spreadsheet will show you all the money you have going in, going out, seeking to save, and more. 

All there, in one neat place, your whole financial life can be seen and tracked. Sounds like a great idea on one hand, and, like most everything, it can also have a downside too.

Whenever I hear someone saying they are setting this up, it always sounds like a New Year’s Resolution – something to help break a bad pattern or to gain more control or to start a new leaf with money. It always seems to begin from the premise of improving one’s money circumstances. Something has gotten the person to feel that a spreadsheet will provide the solution needed to money ails.

On the surface, a spreadsheet tracking money can absolutely be something that is good and helpful in a person’s life. However, it is rarely the answer to stopping negative ways of interacting with money that reflects how we feel about ourselves. Instead, a spreadsheet can often act like a highlighter as to all that we do wrong, which can then lead into feeling bad about ourselves.

I would suggest asking yourself what is motivating you to track your money in such a concrete way? Is it to actually track your money or is it to highlight a part of yourself that you feel bad about already and this spreadsheet will serve as a tangible reminder of this “bad” part of you?

By asking yourself this question you can get a sense if tracking your money via spreadsheet is a healthy thing for you to undertake or is it just another tool to keep you tied to bad thoughts about yourself and others.

Be honest – as this may be the costliest decision of them all.

Dear Therapist: No Job No More

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No Jobs No More

Dear Therapist:

I am out of work like 16 million other Americans at this time. I don’t feel alone, but I am scared. I don’t know how long this will last and whether will there even be a job to return to when this mess is over? Nothing is certain, except the bills I have to pay. Any suggestions on how to handle this type of stress? I am glad to be one of many, but I am scared to death wondering if I will make it?

Sincerely, Frightened Along With Everyone Else

It is a terribly bleak situation. The numbers have gone through the roof for people and small businesses applying for government benefits that will sustain them during this time of crisis. That’s the first place one must put her energy – filing for unemployment, applying for small business loans and grants, and waiting on your check from the government to help ease the pain of today.

However, I also hear your concern over the unknown facts of when will this even be over and when it is over will there be your old job to return to or will that job be gone? Those are two huge uncertain elements for everyone at this time. We cannot yet know when the orders to “shelter in place” will be officially lifted, then what businesses will reopen, and how the public responds to business being back to normal, if in fact this is the plan that is happening.

The unknowns are the worst in a situation like this and that drives anxiety. Collectively, I think American society is on edge not only out of concern for our health, but also the financial cost of the crisis that is impacting so many people like yourself.

Grounding yourself in the moment with what you do know is one of the best courses of action for now. You and I both don’t know the answers to some of these major questions. We can focus on what we don’t know or we can be in the moment right now and take care of what needs to be taken care of in the here and now. It may be difficult, but just navigating the applications alone for assistance will take up a large chunk of time. Not only will you feel like you are moving forward by completing those tasks, your energy will also be focused.

Breathing in four counts through your nose and four counts out of your mouth four to five times can also aid in slowing down and grounding in the here and now. Although this is a terribly anxious time, we can find ways to soothe and calm our worries in the here and now and I encourage you to do so.