Tag Archives: Therapist Questions

Dear Therapist: Pandemic Nightmares

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Pandemic Nightmares
Pandemic Nightmares Are Real!

Dear Therapist,

Ever since this pandemic took over our lives I have been unable to sleep well and, when I do find sleep, I also find nightmares. Seriously, they are disturbing! Is there any way to alleviate these terrifying dreams. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to fall asleep as I am scared of where my dreams will go — death, violence, isolation — this type of imagery is rampant for me. How to get good sleep during this time?

Sincerely, A Terrified Dreamer

This is so common. First, the inability to even get to sleep these days. This happens for a lot of reasons, including not maintaining one’s regular sleep regime, too many screens on too close to trying to sleep, worries and uncertainty on one’s mind — all leading to the inability to let go into an unconscious state and sleep. Which is critical to feeling rested and restored, bright and energetic to greet the next day.

Some tips on getting to sleep during this time include:

  1. Maintain your normal sleep time — when you go to bed and when you get up
  2. Turn off your screen well in advance of bedtime
  3. A better activity is actually reading a real book or working on an old fashioned puzzle with a pencil – activities that can ground
  4. If you have many worries on your mind, writing them down before sleep. In this way they become externalized. You are free to pick those worries back up again the very next morning, but writing them down and letting them breathe for the night outside of you may be helpful
  5. Engage in a ritual that will relax you like a salt bath, gentle stretching or a meditation to calm one’s self.
  6. Direct your dreams! (And this will lead into your nightmares) If there is something on your mind that you want to know about or an answer to, write it down on a piece of paper. Also, as you close your eyes, have this question on your mind and repeat it to yourself again and again. Often, this type of exercise is calling to your internal world to respond with an answer that is not conscious.

I mention this last idea of dream direction to help with the nightmares you are experiencing. All of us are carrying anxiety, worry, and, some of us, even terror over what is unfolding in our daily lives. We speak to it in a myriad of ways while we are awake during the day, and we are also speaking to it in our dreams. Deep down in the places we are not aware of, we are holding these worries and frights and they come out to haunt us in our nightmares.

I hear how terrifying they can be and that they are happening on a continual basis to the point that you do not want to even go to sleep. Engaging in steps #4 and #6 that I have noted above may help you set aside consciously the concerns you are feeling terrorized about as well as direct your mind to focus on something more interesting to you.

It will take some work to actively employ these strategies, but it may very well worth it to find not only sleep, but dreams that answer something on your mind, rather than terrorize you with worries. This is not just you — so many around the globe are being terrorized by their pandemic nightmares — you are not alone. I encourage you to take the steps above to help you sleep through this time of uncertainty that plagues us all.

Dear Therapist: Career Coach v. Career Counselor

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Career Coach Sign

Dear Therapist:

With everything going on right now, I am reevaluating my career. I feel this time at home may be a good time to think about creating a new career path for myself as I’ve been pretty miserable for awhile now. I could use some help with the process and am thinking I would like to work with a Career Coach or a Career Counselor. What’s the difference? Does it even matter?

Sincerely, Looking for Career Direction

This is an excellent question because as you allude to in your question, is there even a difference? Actually there is and it’s a good moment to know what it is so you can decide the type of person who can best help you through your career transition.

Are you looking for help in exploring various industries and thinking about your strengths and weaknesses across each one? Are you interested in creating new materials to help you find a new job, i.e. a cover letter and resume? Are you thinking about ways to hone your social media profiles to support your job search? If any of these steps resonate with you, I believe you are in need of a Career Coach.

A Career Coach works with you to discern what your next job and/or career path will be, either in the same industry or a whole different one. The focus will be on who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, and creating a sense of what you want to bring to the materials you need to create to make yourself not only fit, but also stand out from all the other applicants. Concrete career steps like these are the focus of a Career Coach.

Alternatively, are you feeling stuck in your same job? Do you hate your job, know you really need to move on, but just can’t seem to take the steps? Feelings of anxiety, depression, stuckness, and internalized criticism that are hampering your progress in your career is a place to work with a Career Counselor. It is not about the job process itself, but rather what is happening to keep you somewhere you don’t want to be.

Career Counselors work with you to think about thought patterns, messages, and ideas that your have been given over the course of your lifetime that are operating to keep you immobilized professionally. By looking at these core beliefs you hold and starting to name and then unravel them are keys to becoming unstuck and moving forward to a career you are happy with. Career counseling is often a much more internal process, whereas the coaching process is about the action toward a new job.

Which space are you in? This delineation should clarify the difference for you, as well as provide you with a few questions to ask yourself in order to decide what you need. For more information on Career Counseling, what it is, how it can be approached, and feelings that are associated with difficulty in this area, click here.

Dear Therapist: Tired of Watching Shows

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Tired of Watching Shows

Dear Therapist:

I am tired of watching shows during this time at home. I never thought I would admit this as there is so much good TV and content to watch out there, but hour after hour and I actually feel really tired and lethargic. I used to watch a few hours per week, now it’s a few hours morning and night. Are there any other alternatives to watching shows during this stay-at-home time?

Sincerely, Boob Tubed Out

It seems like this would be the perfect time to sit and watch shows, shows, and more shows. There is so much content out there right now and so much of it is exceptional. It seems like it would be so easy to sit there on the couch hour after hour and watch the shows without limit. It feels almost counter-intuitive to think watching shows is exhausting. Yet, it is.

If you are interested in watching stuff, but not shows, you are in luck as there are many, many options:

  1. Street Walks
  2. Opera
  3. National Theater
  4. Art Museums
  5. Historic Homes
  6. Broadway Shows

This is a time to armchair travel your way to great cities, museums, and cultural events in ways that we never could before. It is something completely different and a true delight. Yes, you are seated, but your mind is free to take in something new to feed your mind, interests, and senses.

After this, go out for a walk and let your mind be full of the wander you took – it can also serve as inspiration as you plan your next trip.

Limiting the time you use to watch shows is necessary. Give that hour or two to yourself when you really don’t want to do anything else except watch a TV show or movie. We all have those moments, but it is not something that can be sustained for days at a time.

Just say no to passive watching and yes to activities that have been taken on-line.

Dear Therapist: No Job No More

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No Jobs No More

Dear Therapist:

I am out of work like 16 million other Americans at this time. I don’t feel alone, but I am scared. I don’t know how long this will last and whether will there even be a job to return to when this mess is over? Nothing is certain, except the bills I have to pay. Any suggestions on how to handle this type of stress? I am glad to be one of many, but I am scared to death wondering if I will make it?

Sincerely, Frightened Along With Everyone Else

It is a terribly bleak situation. The numbers have gone through the roof for people and small businesses applying for government benefits that will sustain them during this time of crisis. That’s the first place one must put her energy – filing for unemployment, applying for small business loans and grants, and waiting on your check from the government to help ease the pain of today.

However, I also hear your concern over the unknown facts of when will this even be over and when it is over will there be your old job to return to or will that job be gone? Those are two huge uncertain elements for everyone at this time. We cannot yet know when the orders to “shelter in place” will be officially lifted, then what businesses will reopen, and how the public responds to business being back to normal, if in fact this is the plan that is happening.

The unknowns are the worst in a situation like this and that drives anxiety. Collectively, I think American society is on edge not only out of concern for our health, but also the financial cost of the crisis that is impacting so many people like yourself.

Grounding yourself in the moment with what you do know is one of the best courses of action for now. You and I both don’t know the answers to some of these major questions. We can focus on what we don’t know or we can be in the moment right now and take care of what needs to be taken care of in the here and now. It may be difficult, but just navigating the applications alone for assistance will take up a large chunk of time. Not only will you feel like you are moving forward by completing those tasks, your energy will also be focused.

Breathing in four counts through your nose and four counts out of your mouth four to five times can also aid in slowing down and grounding in the here and now. Although this is a terribly anxious time, we can find ways to soothe and calm our worries in the here and now and I encourage you to do so.

Dear Therapist: Running Out of Patience

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Running out of patience and time
Running out of Patience?

Dear Therapist,

I am at the start of Month #2 of Shelter in Place in my town. My heart fell to the floor when the order was recently extended another whole month. At first, it was novel to work at home, bond with my family, and have more time to myself without the running around, but now I am running out of patience! How do I keep it together at this drags on — and on?

Sincerely, Running out of Patience

Ah! What a feeling! What a situation!

I think many people are in states where the people have been sheltering in place for weeks by now and are about to enter into not week, but month two of the situation. I hear that you, at first, appreciated the change in your life that this order originally had on your life, but it’s now worn off and you want to get back to your life as usual.

I am sure you are not alone with what you are feeling. There is definitely a desire to want to get back to work, to errands, to sports, to events, to coffee with friends, to networking chats, and everything else that took us out into the public to connect, produce, enjoy, and live each day. Being grounded as a kid was never fun, and now the entire world is in this state.

One thing, we know our neighbors and everyone else is in the same boat. One way to grow patience is to recognize you are not alone. Everyone in your community is in the same place and most people are probably wishing this could all be over yesterday. Knowing you are in good company can help ease the feelings.

Next, recognize that staying in is for your safety and the safety of others. It is literally the staying put that is saving lives. How can it be? Something so simple — stay home and save lives. Yet, it is so foreign and strange to stay in the majority of the time for weeks on end. Still, holding in mind the purpose that this is for something much greater than yourself may help you tolerate these days.

I would also suggest creating a list of all that you want to do once this time is over. I know it helps me to write these items down – both mundane and fanciful items – to keep my hopes up that this time will end and I will be prepared to move on to things that have been put on indefinite hold during this time. It is important to have a list in mind as to what you are looking forward to when this is over.

Finally, try to be present to this moment. It is an unusual, strange time, but one that will not last forever. Take it in as fully as possible. Use the time to learn about yourself, the ones you live with, and what about this time is realy good and what poses challenges. There is much to be learned by slowing down and observing one’s self in this unusual space.

How do we grow patience? There is no magic answer, but, in time, it will all pass. Find ways to structure the days, find meaning within, and be present to what is unfolding in the now to not get too ahead of yourself, but to find the good in here and now. Today.

Dear Therapist: Why are People Still Hanging Out Together?

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People Hanging Out Together

Dear Therapist:

I have heard all of the news reports and I am frustrated to see people are still out and about hanging out together even as we are told to keep social distance from one another. I feel like saying something to these people, but I also wonder if it is any of my business? What do I do? Nothing or something?

Sincerely, Wanting Everyone to Keep Distance

Ah! These are interesting times indeed. How can this even be a conundrum in our modern times? And, yet it is. We have been told to keep social distance from one another. Even if we are not at risk ourselves, we know we are all inter-connected and we may be putting others at risk when we do not follow the guidelines. It can also prolong the crisis we are in. We know our elderly population is at risk, but many others are as well who have underlying medical conditions that we are unaware of are also at risk. Each time we gather together in close proximity with others – even 3-4 people – we are putting society at risk.

This is huge. Many people get this as we can see from empty streets, businesses, planes, etc., but there are still many who do not think it applies to them. So, you may be out for a walk and see people gathered together. What to do? It is awkward as these people are strangers. I can see your reticence to now want to say anything. Also, this may bring you into close contact with strangers that is not comfortable for you.

I noticed that a friend of mine went out to a natural wonder in the local area and noticed the crowds and the many people standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Instead of calling it out to the crowd, he took to social media and spoke out about this gathering he saw. He brought the reminder message to his community and called out these gatherings that need to be avoided.

However, what if your friends are getting together and giving you a hard time for taking distance. Here is an opportunity to state your feelings and feel a bit more safe with reminding your community where you stand on this and the importance of maintaining distance. We all have to help one another as being apart in our homes is difficult.

Technology, social media, and phones allow us to stand up for what we believe. We cannot always call strangers out as we see them gather, but we can use technology to speak up and out. You never know. Someone in your community may read your post and change their actions as a result.

Dear Therapist: Dealing with Disappointment

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Couple opens package and is disappointed

Dear Therapist:

I had so many good plans coming up this month and now they have all been cancelled. Like, I don’t want to get anyone sick or anything, but I’m pretty bummed. First off, there is nothing else on to go out and do. Second, I have no idea if this stuff will get rescheduled or not. Dang! How do I deal with my disappointment?

Signed, I know I’m not the only one, but Corona Disappointed

Ah! So many good concerts, sports, and events on this time of year. And it’s not like we are in the midst of a winter storm which is causing the disruption, it’s a virus. Something we cannot touch or see or feel — at least not until we get it. When things are getting cancelled for snow, it opens up a whole world of winter wonderland fun.

Not the case with this one, and I think that is part of the reason this is bringing you so much disappointment. It feels out of control and unknown. Let’s face it, we aren’t waiting for the snow to melt to get back to normal. We are waiting for a global pandemic to recede and hoping to not get sick during the outbreak. This is entirely different and most of us have never lived through such a disruption.

I think focusing on your disappointment is one way to try to feel some sense of control in an otherwise out-of-control time. We know disapppointment, we can put our energy there and feel certain about how bad it feels to not get to go to the big match or that ballet performance or that concert. What we don’t know is will this make a difference? Will this be over soon? Will my actions to avoid people and public spaces make a difference?

Disappointment we can know, uncertainty is harder to manage these days. So, let yourself feel that feeling of being disappointed. Hopefully, some of these things will be rescheduled. If not, then feel it, complain about it, and embody the disappointment so you can stay tuned in to your feelings.

However, do not despair. Most likely, this virus will recede and we will be left to pick up the pieces and begin anew with new things to do and to see. That day is coming. For now, welcome in your feelings.

Dear Therapist: Finding hope in hopelessness

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hands hold a stone of hope finding hope in hopelessness
Hands of Hope

Dear Therapist,

How does one find hope when it all feels hopeless?

Sincerely, Hoping for Some Answers

My goodness! What a great question. A few words, but it packs a punch and offers up a true conundrum for the times we are living in indeed. Finding hope in hopelessness!

Earlier this week, I was spotlighting eco-anxiety, a place where it is easy to melt into a state of hopelessness even as people say there is still hope to be found. And it is not just worries about our environment, but, in general, in America there is a lot we can look around at and feel hopeless about. Poverty, gun violence, political discord, cyber attacks, and the list can go on and on.

It also doesn’t help that everything seems to be moving at the speed of light — faster even than that! All of this hopelessness and doses of hope are served up like a fast food meal. There is hardly time to know if one can dwell in both or must we decide to be hopeless or hopeful in our lives?

Whatever it is that is causing you to feel hopeless, it is important to slow down and consider the matter. And not alone, but in community with others. If you don’t feel there is anyone you can share with, then finding other voices in media and community may be a way to feel less lonely in whatever you are considering.

From there, think about all angles of the matter. What are the positives and what are the negatives? Is there a history to the matter? What do more than one voice and opinion say. From here, you can form your own ideas. If it is a problem that can potentially have a solution, creating those ideas and implementing them may move you along into a hopeful stance.

However, sometimes we have to simply sit in what appears to be hopeless and make the matters we are thinking of “our friend” and inviting them in without having to do much of anything, but be present to our sad/bad/angry/hopeless feelings. Sometimes it is healthy to dwell in these states and gain a curious stance over what it all means for you.

Hope seems to be the thing we are all chasing and hopelessness the thing we are supposed to avoid. Flipping that idea on its head and dwelling in them both but not getting bogged down in either place may be a more authentic and honest place for all us to strive to be in during these times.

Dear Therapist: Political Exhaustion

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Political Exhaustion

Dear Therapist:

I am exhausted! After years of political turmoil in this country, I can’t stand it any longer. I feel anxious, concerned, and worried. Further, I am tired of arguing with my neighbors. It used to be we could all get along, but those days seem long past. How do I handle what seems to be a never-ending world of political strife and turmoil that overwhelms me on a daily basis. Help!

Wow! Your question hits home I am sure for many people. No matter which side of the aisle you are on, the discourse of what is happening along with the events unfolding each day across a wide range of global concerns is enough to want to simply close your door, pull the covers over your head, and check out!

If you are feeling this way you are dealing with political exhaustion.

Of course, this is understandable:

  • You read the paper and find yourself bombarded with news headlines that are troubling
  • There is the realization that you are only one person and the question comes to mind, “what can one person do about any of it anyway?’
  • You are on social media and there are requests for your money and time to support causes and show up to one more rally
  • You listen to the news and the political talk heads speak your language and incites more concern and worry
  • You bring up a topic or contribute to a conversation with your neighbor and all of a sudden you find yourself in a hot argument because the other is never going to see the world as you do – not interested
  • You try to refresh yourself in nature and your mind is plagued wondering if the animals and trees and fresh air will be around for your kids and grandkids

How can one continue to stay engaged without drowning in exhaustion? After all, you are only one person.

I think it is important to be honest with yourself and be true to yourself. If you are feeling exhausted, disinterested, lethargic toward all of these cares, then it is time to change up one’s routine and ways of interacting with our current political construct.

Mainly this involves holding boundaries around where you will and will not put your time and energy into and prioritizing putting time into yourself and your care. There is no fight without the people and so taking care of one’s self is one of the most critical ways to keep up the fight.

There is no shame in taking a break and refueling yourself. Here are some helpful tips to treat your political exhaustion:

  • Go on a news diet and limit how much you read and watch in a day
  • Say no to events for awhile and, when you feel ready, be discerning about what you choose to say yes to
  • Sleep
  • Self Care — whatever you do to care for yourself, do more
  • Let go of the guilt of stepping back – the struggle will still be there with you either exhausted or refreshed
  • Choose to spend time “doing good” – most likely the flow of doing something good for yourself, another, your community, your neighborhood, your friends and family will recharge you in a way that is not depleting, but fulfilling

It is inevitable to become politically exhausted. This is not a short, quick battle, but a long grind that all of us must contend with each day. We are running a marathon not a sprint. Take care of you and let go of the rest while you need and want to.

Dear Therapist: Gift Disappointment

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Dear Therapist:

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but this time of year stresses me out in a way that may sound selfish. To be perfectly honest, I give good gifts to my family and friends. What I mean is the gifts are perfect for the person because I have heard them when they get excited about some item or another. The holidays are a time for me to surprise them with the thing they have told me they love. Not the case for me. I get a bunch of stuff that could be for the mailmxn quite frankly. I am always disappointed, but I never tell the person but rather hide it. I find myself taking a big bag of stuff to Value Village every year. How can I avoid feeling this disapppointment for yet another year?

Gifts – pretty as they are packaged – may sometimes disappoint!

Talk about a taboo topic! So glad you wrote in and brought some breath to what I believe many people feel in their hearts this time of year when they are opening their gifts from friends and family. Instead of genuine surprise and joy, most people have to put on their best role to pretend that this is the best present ever. How uncomfortable and tiring.

And, yet, as you point out, to show anything less than gratitude would mean you are selfish and ungrateful. Neither of these look good on anyone this time of year so we smile, act out our appreciation, secretly feel hurt and disappointment, throw it into the bin, and take it to the charity come January. We simply chalk up our disappointment as par for the season.

Ugh! To think this is what millions of people do each and every year. I can see why you want to avoid this uncomfortable rut.

Your question further delves into being someone who takes time to think about someone and then thoughtfully purchases something for the person to delight her. When this type of thought is not reciprocated it is doubly hurtful as you can easily begin to question if the friend or family member even knows you.

Well, what to do?

We cannot control anyone else but ourselves. It sounds important that the people whom you buy gifts for have something special from you. Feel good about this just for the way that you honor your loved ones.

Regarding the presents you receive, you could try moving into your truth by speaking it in a kind way. Letting the other know how much you appreciate that she thought about you and that this doesn’t feel like you for x, y, z reason. Even as I type these words, I feel how this sentiment can be taken as selfish,. Yet, being honest in a world where people smear over hard feelings to make the other feel OK, is actually a gift one can give another person.

First, that person is going to notice that you noticed what she gave to you. It’s not just one other thing you have now, but something that either suits you or does not. This leads that person to knowing two important things about you: one. you care about what she gave to you and two, she now knows what you do and do not like. It could be the person was just regifting something she didn’t want and didn’t know you cared so much. Either way, your truth will offer emotional vitality behind the gift received and given.

If you are truly sick of the cycle, but can never imagine bringing your truth to the table for whatever reason, you could also create a boundary and simply not exchange any longer. Perhaps these gifts are from long ago friends who really are out of touch with who you are now, but keep up the annual gift exchange without thinking. It’s OK to call it a day and say no to the entire exchange. This may also bring relief from your disappointment.

The holidays always offer some awkward moments, particularly around gift giving. Owning your feelings and bringing them forth in your truth is one way to set yourself free from this cycle of disappointment.