Category Archives: Dear Therapist

Dear Therapist: Pandemic Nightmares

Posted on by
Pandemic Nightmares
Pandemic Nightmares Are Real!

Dear Therapist,

Ever since this pandemic took over our lives I have been unable to sleep well and, when I do find sleep, I also find nightmares. Seriously, they are disturbing! Is there any way to alleviate these terrifying dreams. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to fall asleep as I am scared of where my dreams will go — death, violence, isolation — this type of imagery is rampant for me. How to get good sleep during this time?

Sincerely, A Terrified Dreamer

This is so common. First, the inability to even get to sleep these days. This happens for a lot of reasons, including not maintaining one’s regular sleep regime, too many screens on too close to trying to sleep, worries and uncertainty on one’s mind — all leading to the inability to let go into an unconscious state and sleep. Which is critical to feeling rested and restored, bright and energetic to greet the next day.

Some tips on getting to sleep during this time include:

  1. Maintain your normal sleep time — when you go to bed and when you get up
  2. Turn off your screen well in advance of bedtime
  3. A better activity is actually reading a real book or working on an old fashioned puzzle with a pencil – activities that can ground
  4. If you have many worries on your mind, writing them down before sleep. In this way they become externalized. You are free to pick those worries back up again the very next morning, but writing them down and letting them breathe for the night outside of you may be helpful
  5. Engage in a ritual that will relax you like a salt bath, gentle stretching or a meditation to calm one’s self.
  6. Direct your dreams! (And this will lead into your nightmares) If there is something on your mind that you want to know about or an answer to, write it down on a piece of paper. Also, as you close your eyes, have this question on your mind and repeat it to yourself again and again. Often, this type of exercise is calling to your internal world to respond with an answer that is not conscious.

I mention this last idea of dream direction to help with the nightmares you are experiencing. All of us are carrying anxiety, worry, and, some of us, even terror over what is unfolding in our daily lives. We speak to it in a myriad of ways while we are awake during the day, and we are also speaking to it in our dreams. Deep down in the places we are not aware of, we are holding these worries and frights and they come out to haunt us in our nightmares.

I hear how terrifying they can be and that they are happening on a continual basis to the point that you do not want to even go to sleep. Engaging in steps #4 and #6 that I have noted above may help you set aside consciously the concerns you are feeling terrorized about as well as direct your mind to focus on something more interesting to you.

It will take some work to actively employ these strategies, but it may very well worth it to find not only sleep, but dreams that answer something on your mind, rather than terrorize you with worries. This is not just you — so many around the globe are being terrorized by their pandemic nightmares — you are not alone. I encourage you to take the steps above to help you sleep through this time of uncertainty that plagues us all.

Dear Therapist: Career Coach v. Career Counselor

Posted on by
Career Coach Sign

Dear Therapist:

With everything going on right now, I am reevaluating my career. I feel this time at home may be a good time to think about creating a new career path for myself as I’ve been pretty miserable for awhile now. I could use some help with the process and am thinking I would like to work with a Career Coach or a Career Counselor. What’s the difference? Does it even matter?

Sincerely, Looking for Career Direction

This is an excellent question because as you allude to in your question, is there even a difference? Actually there is and it’s a good moment to know what it is so you can decide the type of person who can best help you through your career transition.

Are you looking for help in exploring various industries and thinking about your strengths and weaknesses across each one? Are you interested in creating new materials to help you find a new job, i.e. a cover letter and resume? Are you thinking about ways to hone your social media profiles to support your job search? If any of these steps resonate with you, I believe you are in need of a Career Coach.

A Career Coach works with you to discern what your next job and/or career path will be, either in the same industry or a whole different one. The focus will be on who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, and creating a sense of what you want to bring to the materials you need to create to make yourself not only fit, but also stand out from all the other applicants. Concrete career steps like these are the focus of a Career Coach.

Alternatively, are you feeling stuck in your same job? Do you hate your job, know you really need to move on, but just can’t seem to take the steps? Feelings of anxiety, depression, stuckness, and internalized criticism that are hampering your progress in your career is a place to work with a Career Counselor. It is not about the job process itself, but rather what is happening to keep you somewhere you don’t want to be.

Career Counselors work with you to think about thought patterns, messages, and ideas that your have been given over the course of your lifetime that are operating to keep you immobilized professionally. By looking at these core beliefs you hold and starting to name and then unravel them are keys to becoming unstuck and moving forward to a career you are happy with. Career counseling is often a much more internal process, whereas the coaching process is about the action toward a new job.

Which space are you in? This delineation should clarify the difference for you, as well as provide you with a few questions to ask yourself in order to decide what you need. For more information on Career Counseling, what it is, how it can be approached, and feelings that are associated with difficulty in this area, click here.

Dear Therapist: Tired of Watching Shows

Posted on by
Tired of Watching Shows

Dear Therapist:

I am tired of watching shows during this time at home. I never thought I would admit this as there is so much good TV and content to watch out there, but hour after hour and I actually feel really tired and lethargic. I used to watch a few hours per week, now it’s a few hours morning and night. Are there any other alternatives to watching shows during this stay-at-home time?

Sincerely, Boob Tubed Out

It seems like this would be the perfect time to sit and watch shows, shows, and more shows. There is so much content out there right now and so much of it is exceptional. It seems like it would be so easy to sit there on the couch hour after hour and watch the shows without limit. It feels almost counter-intuitive to think watching shows is exhausting. Yet, it is.

If you are interested in watching stuff, but not shows, you are in luck as there are many, many options:

  1. Street Walks
  2. Opera
  3. National Theater
  4. Art Museums
  5. Historic Homes
  6. Broadway Shows

This is a time to armchair travel your way to great cities, museums, and cultural events in ways that we never could before. It is something completely different and a true delight. Yes, you are seated, but your mind is free to take in something new to feed your mind, interests, and senses.

After this, go out for a walk and let your mind be full of the wander you took – it can also serve as inspiration as you plan your next trip.

Limiting the time you use to watch shows is necessary. Give that hour or two to yourself when you really don’t want to do anything else except watch a TV show or movie. We all have those moments, but it is not something that can be sustained for days at a time.

Just say no to passive watching and yes to activities that have been taken on-line.

Dear Therapist: Running Out of Patience

Posted on by
Running out of patience and time
Running out of Patience?

Dear Therapist,

I am at the start of Month #2 of Shelter in Place in my town. My heart fell to the floor when the order was recently extended another whole month. At first, it was novel to work at home, bond with my family, and have more time to myself without the running around, but now I am running out of patience! How do I keep it together at this drags on — and on?

Sincerely, Running out of Patience

Ah! What a feeling! What a situation!

I think many people are in states where the people have been sheltering in place for weeks by now and are about to enter into not week, but month two of the situation. I hear that you, at first, appreciated the change in your life that this order originally had on your life, but it’s now worn off and you want to get back to your life as usual.

I am sure you are not alone with what you are feeling. There is definitely a desire to want to get back to work, to errands, to sports, to events, to coffee with friends, to networking chats, and everything else that took us out into the public to connect, produce, enjoy, and live each day. Being grounded as a kid was never fun, and now the entire world is in this state.

One thing, we know our neighbors and everyone else is in the same boat. One way to grow patience is to recognize you are not alone. Everyone in your community is in the same place and most people are probably wishing this could all be over yesterday. Knowing you are in good company can help ease the feelings.

Next, recognize that staying in is for your safety and the safety of others. It is literally the staying put that is saving lives. How can it be? Something so simple — stay home and save lives. Yet, it is so foreign and strange to stay in the majority of the time for weeks on end. Still, holding in mind the purpose that this is for something much greater than yourself may help you tolerate these days.

I would also suggest creating a list of all that you want to do once this time is over. I know it helps me to write these items down – both mundane and fanciful items – to keep my hopes up that this time will end and I will be prepared to move on to things that have been put on indefinite hold during this time. It is important to have a list in mind as to what you are looking forward to when this is over.

Finally, try to be present to this moment. It is an unusual, strange time, but one that will not last forever. Take it in as fully as possible. Use the time to learn about yourself, the ones you live with, and what about this time is realy good and what poses challenges. There is much to be learned by slowing down and observing one’s self in this unusual space.

How do we grow patience? There is no magic answer, but, in time, it will all pass. Find ways to structure the days, find meaning within, and be present to what is unfolding in the now to not get too ahead of yourself, but to find the good in here and now. Today.

Dear Therapist: Virtual Happy Hour Etiquette

Posted on by
Virtual Happy Hour

Dear Therapist:

Well, I’m at home most days all day long and the only way I connect with others is through technology. Most people are using Zoom, which I appreciate as I can see tons of my colleagues and friends all at one time. However, during casual Zoom gatherings, everyone is talking at one time or people take turns talking and all eyes are on that person. I know it’s a virtual Happy Hour, but it feels weird. Any advice on how to make casual Zoom gatherings easier for everyone to participate and feel heard?

Sincerely, Zooming Away

Sounds like you are a whole lot like me these days where most of our social connection outside of our immediate family is via technology. Any chance I get, I appreciate hopping on to a Zoom meeting for work or for fun to connect with others today. Recently, I too have noticed that work meetings seem to run smoother than casual meet ups on Zoom.

I think this is because when we are meeting for work or a class, the host has several rules set up that everyone must follow. The host asks the participants to “mute” themselves to clear out background noise, as well as use the “raise hand” feature when you have something to say so that people can take turns participating.

However, when you are thinking about a casual Zoom happy hour or other type of meetup, the last thing you want to do is employ rules. Yet, we may need to in order to connect in the best way possible. Sticking with the “mute” button is a good thing to use whether business or personal – the background noise cut out really helps.

Regarding people talking over one another is difficult, but perhaps you should ease up. Think about meeting up people at a crowded bar. It is loud, people are all talking at once, and it is difficult to keep up. However, I think this is something we are all missing right now, i.e. a crowd of people chatting together. Only thing is given the medium, people want to hear what people are saying. In the bar, what often happens is small groups of conversation begin to form and while everyone is together different conversations are happening at the same time. This is almost impossible on a Zoom meeting.

Which then leads to the awkwardness you are experiencing. One person is speaking, everyone listens and is focused on that one person, and then everyone chimes in one at a time about what the person has said. It definitely puts that person in the “hot seat” of attention and also nothing else can be spoken about because the attention is going to only one person. And then how to move on, especially if the person has shared something really difficult?

Ah! What to do? I don’t think there is much that can be done. This medium is odd for casual gatherings. Accepting this and moving into what it does offer, i.e. a big group of people we can see at once in a time when we hardly see anyone may be worth the difficulty of easy flow connection.

Be forgiving, find energy from the field of people who have come together, and don’t take any of it too seriously. The point is to connect. Let the rest go!

Dear Therapist: Stuck in a Role

Posted on by
Happy woman cooking dinner

Dear Therapist,

I am married and living a traditional married life in many ways. Although I work outside the home, I also do most of the cooking and cleaning. My Mom did the same and it never looked that hard for her when I was a kid. Now, in the role, not only is it hard, I am not that interested. I am stuck in the role of “wife” and don’t know how to break out? Help!

Sincerely, Sick and Tired of Cooking & Cleaning

How easy it is to not only pick up on roles that society expects of us when we take on the role of wife, but also act on them without any thought whether or not you want the role. If you saw your Mother play this role in your family, it may be even more difficult to break out of something that just doesn’t suit you.

However, you are looking to break out and so you are recognizing that there is a choice other than being stuck in a prescribed role. There are two parts to making the change.

First, getting honest with yourself. What do you want your role of wife to look like in your marriage? Are there any chores you don’t mind doing? Or circumstances under which you don’t mind doing them? What are the things you absolutely never want to touch again? Becoming honest with what you do and do not want to take on as far as these responsibilities is the important first step.

Second step is to have a heart-to-heart with your partner. Perhaps he is just assuming that you don’t mind. Perhaps he saw his own Mother take care of all of this like you and thinks that’s the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps he has space to participate alongside you? This may not be the easiest conversation, but it may be one that leads you to a new role in your marriage.

Things won’t change overnight. You may give up the dishes to him and he may get it done in two days not in the next two hours. As your roles shift, stress points will arise. Being able to keep a sense of humor as well as a commitment to the new way of being and doing within your marriage are the keys to making change.

By all means, break out! We are told in a million ways each day from the start of life what we are expected to do, be, have in our relationships. Unwinding those ideas and finding the way forward that works for you is the key.

Dear Therapist: Why are People Still Hanging Out Together?

Posted on by
People Hanging Out Together

Dear Therapist:

I have heard all of the news reports and I am frustrated to see people are still out and about hanging out together even as we are told to keep social distance from one another. I feel like saying something to these people, but I also wonder if it is any of my business? What do I do? Nothing or something?

Sincerely, Wanting Everyone to Keep Distance

Ah! These are interesting times indeed. How can this even be a conundrum in our modern times? And, yet it is. We have been told to keep social distance from one another. Even if we are not at risk ourselves, we know we are all inter-connected and we may be putting others at risk when we do not follow the guidelines. It can also prolong the crisis we are in. We know our elderly population is at risk, but many others are as well who have underlying medical conditions that we are unaware of are also at risk. Each time we gather together in close proximity with others – even 3-4 people – we are putting society at risk.

This is huge. Many people get this as we can see from empty streets, businesses, planes, etc., but there are still many who do not think it applies to them. So, you may be out for a walk and see people gathered together. What to do? It is awkward as these people are strangers. I can see your reticence to now want to say anything. Also, this may bring you into close contact with strangers that is not comfortable for you.

I noticed that a friend of mine went out to a natural wonder in the local area and noticed the crowds and the many people standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Instead of calling it out to the crowd, he took to social media and spoke out about this gathering he saw. He brought the reminder message to his community and called out these gatherings that need to be avoided.

However, what if your friends are getting together and giving you a hard time for taking distance. Here is an opportunity to state your feelings and feel a bit more safe with reminding your community where you stand on this and the importance of maintaining distance. We all have to help one another as being apart in our homes is difficult.

Technology, social media, and phones allow us to stand up for what we believe. We cannot always call strangers out as we see them gather, but we can use technology to speak up and out. You never know. Someone in your community may read your post and change their actions as a result.

Dear Therapist: Dealing with Disappointment

Posted on by
Couple opens package and is disappointed

Dear Therapist:

I had so many good plans coming up this month and now they have all been cancelled. Like, I don’t want to get anyone sick or anything, but I’m pretty bummed. First off, there is nothing else on to go out and do. Second, I have no idea if this stuff will get rescheduled or not. Dang! How do I deal with my disappointment?

Signed, I know I’m not the only one, but Corona Disappointed

Ah! So many good concerts, sports, and events on this time of year. And it’s not like we are in the midst of a winter storm which is causing the disruption, it’s a virus. Something we cannot touch or see or feel — at least not until we get it. When things are getting cancelled for snow, it opens up a whole world of winter wonderland fun.

Not the case with this one, and I think that is part of the reason this is bringing you so much disappointment. It feels out of control and unknown. Let’s face it, we aren’t waiting for the snow to melt to get back to normal. We are waiting for a global pandemic to recede and hoping to not get sick during the outbreak. This is entirely different and most of us have never lived through such a disruption.

I think focusing on your disappointment is one way to try to feel some sense of control in an otherwise out-of-control time. We know disapppointment, we can put our energy there and feel certain about how bad it feels to not get to go to the big match or that ballet performance or that concert. What we don’t know is will this make a difference? Will this be over soon? Will my actions to avoid people and public spaces make a difference?

Disappointment we can know, uncertainty is harder to manage these days. So, let yourself feel that feeling of being disappointed. Hopefully, some of these things will be rescheduled. If not, then feel it, complain about it, and embody the disappointment so you can stay tuned in to your feelings.

However, do not despair. Most likely, this virus will recede and we will be left to pick up the pieces and begin anew with new things to do and to see. That day is coming. For now, welcome in your feelings.

Dear Therapist: Celebrating Little Victories

Posted on by
Woman celebrates her little victories

Dear Therapist:

I know most people mark the big things in life, work promotions, graduations, anniversaries, birthdays, and more, but I am wondering if it is selfish to celebrate the little victories we may achieve on any given day? I don’t want to be seen as self-involved, but I also want to celebrate this stuff as I go along to mark what’s unfolding in my life.

Sincerely, One Moment Away From Celebrating the Little Victories

Glad you wrote in! It’s funny how down society is on noticing the little victories of our lives and celebrating them along the way. We somehow receive the message that life is not to be marked and celebrated, except for those very big milestones, i.e. marriage, having children, work promotions, a new home, an anniversary, a Birthday and, of course, the holidays.

Outside of those parameters, life is considered ordinary time. As adults, we are given the message that we must bear the ordinary days and be “OK” without anything special happening. If we are constantly celebrating, then how will there be anything special about the big moments. Rather, keep these to yourself and don’t make a big deal.

Sort of feels like these are our Puritanical roots. Head down, do good work, don’t cause any ripples – good, bad, or otherwise — and pass on calling any attention to yourself. I say a loud and strong, “No!” to this way of living.

I think any day one has good health — ie you wake up and are not in any type of pain — that is a victory day. Do you know how many people wish they woke up to a pain free physical life? We should celebrate at the start of each day when we are healthy.

All through our ordinary days, extraordinary people, events, and kindnesses unfold and they should be celebrated and noticed. In that same spirit, many small victories are won in a day that should be marked. Some of these could include:

  • Your child is toilet trained
  • The dog no longer chews the carpet and house to bits
  • You tried a new food and enjoyed it
  • You got a rebate
  • The service call you had to make had you waiting on hold for less than a minute
  • A beloved item is returned to you
  • A presentation you deliver packs a punch and people really appreciated it
  • You got to sleep with no problem
  • You found time to make dinner
  • A letter arrives with the news you’ve been waiting to hear

Goodness! Our little victories that we experience each day are not to be discounted, but celebrated. It may feel strange given the societal norms to not make such a big deal of any number of little things. Still, to get through the ordinary time, not only should you mark your own little victories, but others as well.

Let’s start a movement!

Dear Therapist: A Meditation Stance

Posted on by
Woman practices mindfulness at the beach

Dear Therapist:

I enjoy being able to hold a meditation stance on a daily basis, but I feel pressure to have to meditate for awhile — like thirty minutes or so. Although this is what I think I should do, I’ll admit I lose interest, my mind wanders, and it’s beginning to feel more like a chore than a time to get in touch with myself by being mindful in such a stance. How much is too much or not enough?

Sincerely, Too In My Head

Good for you for finding that meditation works for you for any time at all. The idea of meditation is exactly as you describe, i.e. a time for you to get in touch with your own mind by settling it into a quiet stance for a period of time.

However, the amount of time is not prescribed. It certainly can feel otherwise in our society, as many people go to meditation sessions and/or retreats and are “taught” how to meditate, which often includes some prescribed length of time to make your session “legitimate.”

In fact, meditation is a practice for you that is practiced based on how it feels for you. It is a completely unique practice with no right or wrong way to do it. If you are sitting in one place, with eyes closed, and legs crossed for thirty minutes that may be driving you crazy with your practice.

My suggestion: bust your meditation out! First, decide if thirty minutes is, in fact, the amount of time you want to spend. If not, decide for yourself what is the right amount of time. This can vary by day and by week. Whatever it is, make the time frame work for you.

Second, is your meditative stance working for you? Many people like to engage in a walking meditation or creative meditation via art supplies. Perhaps sitting in one place for thirty minutes hits it right for you one day and the next day sitting in a meditative space while you draw may be just right or, on other days, grabbing your dog, your hiking boots, and heading to a trail to meditate in the woods is perfect. Whatever your meditative stance, it is absolutely unique to you.

Finally, drop any thoughts that the way you are meditating is wrong. Meditation is a unique practice that is private. Being true to yourself and making yourself feel comfortable and engaged with your practice are the keys to meditating well for one’s self.