To Be Selfish — or Not?

Posted on February 27, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

To be selfish — or not? That is the question.

I am always reading the news and find myself stumbling upon articles around mental health, which, of course, catch my attention. This week it was an article in the Times about The Benefits of Wise Selfishness. I had to laugh out loud as I read how the article had to spin selfishness (something our society judges as a bad thing) into something that is OK to be these days. Actually necessary.

I tend to agree with this article, but I wouldn’t call it “wise” but rather absolutely necessary and critical to our own mental health. And it is mind boggling to me that people feel that it is wrong to think about themselves and hold their interests in mind. Like everything, just because we are thinking about ourselves does not mean we can’t also think about the other.

If you think about it, in the airplanes, during the safety instructions, parents are always told to put on their own oxygen mask on before putting it on their child. Intuitively, we must be cared for before we can offer care to another — even our own child in this case!

It is important that we hold ourselves in minds throughout our days that make up our lives. That we are living out of alignment with who we are, our values, our bliss, our boundaries, and more. It may sound selfish, but I don’t see it that way, I would actually argue if we cannot hold ourselves in mind and take care of our desires, needs, and wants we really cannot extend that to another in an authentic and true way. When we turn our backs on our own selves to be selfless there is something inauthentic about how we are doing for others — rather than it springing forth from a full well of ourselves, it is motivated by a turning away from ourselves to sink into the other, perhaps putting their needs above our own.

This is then applauded by society. This type of person is so selfless and does for others with asking for nothing in return for themselves. What exactly is going on here is where my mind goes? Why is it so difficult for the person to be with herself and be there for one’s self? Often the message is you are selfish and bad for thinking about yourself.

Ah, selfish, selfless — such judgements on people and situations which we hardly know the truth of it at all. It isn’t wise to be selfish and it isn’t unwise to be selfless. We love to organize our minds with things being all good or all bad. The truth is holding yourself in mind is mentally healthy and then allows for us to be there for others that are authentic and true to who we are as we are also held in mind alongside the others we are holding in mind. This can be in parallel and does not need to be an “either/or” situation.

Let’s all practice remembering ourselves first as a basic tenet of good mental health. From there, it’s up to you how you would like to do or not do for others. Selfish, selfless — it’s time to drop these judgments.

Therapy for Police

Posted on February 20, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

For: Tyre Nichols

Although not always required, when candidates apply for the position of police officer, they can be given a psychology screening tool, known as the MMPI, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. One of the purposes of this “test (is) as a screening instrument for certain professions, especially high-risk jobs.” (Cherry, 2022)

When a candidate is screened via the MMP1 and deemed to be qualified to conduct herself and her job within parameters of mental wellness, what accounts for the police officers who misuse their power with the public? We know that systemic racism plays a part, as well as the culture of law enforcement.

However, I believe there is also another element that plays a role in police misuse of their power. This is their own personal story. Although the screening tool takes a snapshot of a potential officer before they are employed in the role, this does not cover what happens when police are on the job, day in and day out, coming up against other people’s traumas in real time, potentially triggering their own stories of trauma. Screening tools that seek to measure aggressive behavior in police at the entry level is not enough to trust and curtail one’s behavior as they do their job each day.

To safeguard a police officer’s mental health and the impact she will have on the community; I suggest that a fundamental requirement for police be to undertake on-going therapy. This can become a part of police reform that people are calling out for in America.

Therapists are highly encouraged to be in their own therapy and/or supervision as a good practice as they work with their patients because trauma, negative emotions, and struggle come up in our on-going work. This is as we sit quietly with our patients taking in their stories and holding it confidentially.

It is not that people who become therapists are crazy, but by the mere nature of continually being exposed to people’s trauma, we are often led into our own unprocessed anger, openings of our personal traumas, and more. Going to therapy and/or attending consult groups with fellow therapists helps to contain these feelings in an appropriate space that protects both therapists and their patients.

My imagination around police officers is the same. Their work involves unknown circumstances, painful situations, horrific crimes, personal danger and more. Although someone may be screened as non-aggressive for police work, over time it can be a hazard for any police officer to become angry, aggressive, and out of touch with what is and is not appropriate behavior. This, in tandem with having weapons on board, can be a deadly combination as we have seen time and time again in America.

No matter where we come upon these situations, whether in a therapy room or in “here and now” situations, our own stories can become activated. Without any place to process our feelings, we can become a danger to ourselves and to others over time.

For therapists, it can look like not being able to listen well to the other, intruding on our patient’s process, forcing our agenda on another, and more. For police officers, I imagine it can look like the brutality we have seen recently. When police officers cannot even understand what excessive force is, this is a sign that their own “excessive force within” is so great, unregulated, and unprocessed that the unconscious looks for an object, which can often be a person in police work, to take it out on in lieu of any safe place to contain it.

A good practice for police departments across America is to offer personal therapy on a regular basis. Police departments should be mandated to hire mental health professionals who can see each police officer who is actively working with people in the community. Here is a space where police officers can feel safe to speak about what has come up for them, how it may relate to their story, learn ways of diffusing anger, and more.

If police departments want an alternative to individual police therapy, group therapy is also a powerful way for police officers to come together with a mental health professional leading the group to process what they have encountered, how it may be affecting them on deeper levels, and have a safe space to contain it among one another. Further, mental health professionals can be called to listen actively to hear if a particular officer needs personal therapy.

We speak about a change in police culture. I absolutely agree. I think this includes looking at what is going on in the deeper psyche of any individual who is encountering trauma, violence, and unknown situations on a regular basis. As a therapist, we face this every day in a more passive setting. Add in the active setting and it is a recipe for violence, for being out of touch with one’s humanity, for not being embodied enough in self to know how they are bringing themselves to any given situation.

It is not enough to screen police candidates at the entry level. Police officers should be held in ways that support their mental health on a consistent basis with a mental health professional. This type of investment will also support the greater communities they serve. No, a police officer cannot be a mental health professional, but they should be required to have mental health support when they are actively in contact with the communities they serve.

Word Games

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

Word games — do you play them? It used to be games like Scrabble and the NYT Crossword Puzzle — but now there are many more options. It seems like the game Wordle has made us all a fan of word games. Well, that one is quick, even if not always easy, and provides quick satisfaction of being competent in knowing your 5-letter words.

I was never big into word games, but I can see how they keep one’s mind sharp, provide an interesting distraction to calm one’s mind, and can be entertaining during an otherwise boring day. People have taken to sharing their results on social media as well. People comment on how hard or easy it was for them as well — without giving away the answer. (This all has to do with Wordle, of course.)

Recently, I have heard some people say they are using word games as a distraction away from their problems to the point that they cannot focus on what they really “should be focusing on” — often something that is a difficult change process. They see the word game as taking them away from the issues they have at hand, rather than helping. Of course, word games offer a calming and interesting distraction and can often be grounding during a time of personal upheaval.

It is not a bad thing to use word games as an object that takes one away from the worries/changes/anxiety and more at hand. I often see it as a part of one’s change process. Distracting one’s self from always holding the worry in mind feels important. It allows unconscious parts of ourselves to step in and be with the issues at hand. Our mind is turned off from the worry and directed elsewhere which allows for more space to open up and work things out.

I notice how hard people are on themselves for taking pleasure — often for long periods of time — in something like word games. Relax. Word games may not only serve as a puzzle for you to solve, but also a place for other parts of yourself to work out your own puzzle you may be in. Distractions can be very helpful in this way.

There are many distractions out there. If you are choosing a word puzzle, chances are your mind is sharp, you seek to feel competent in an everyday puzzle, and (often unknown to self) are trusting that other parts of your self are working out your own personal puzzle.

Even I Wordle — every now and again.

Freudenfreude for the Other

Posted on February 6, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

Freudenfreude for the other — I will admit it, I had never heard of this term. Of course, I know about its opposite — Schadenfreude — essentially taking glee in another’s bad news, misfortune, tragedies, and more. Why do people get so much satisfaction from secretly seeing someone come upon problems in her life?

We probably have felt it ourselves and we certainly have been on the receiving end — that comment, that lack of empathy to our plight, and more. We can sometimes pick up that someone is actually happy about our troubles. It is troubling to pick up on this when it happens, but it is a phenomenon. Interested to learn more? Check out this book.

So, I was very surprised to learn another — more uplifting concept – Freudenfreude, when I read this article in the New York Times recently. This is a term that is about cultivating joy for another regardless of our own circumstances. Some very solid examples are highlighted in this article. The author describes Freudenfreude for the other as based on being joyful regardless of our own circumstances. This is why it can be so difficult — easy to do when we feel good about our lot in life and very difficult to do when we feel envy, jealousy, and other negative emotions when someone’s success feels threatening to us in some way.

A concept such as this one provides us an opportunity to reflect and see how we feel about another’s success? Is it a threat to you? Are you genuinely happy for someone else’s success or is it a mask? When someone is doing poorly for any reason, do you delight in it in some way? How do you orientate to the other when their news comes up. Do you hold a consistent pattern or does it change based on what is going on in your life.

The article is all around cultivating more Freudenfreude in one’s life. Some solid suggestions, but a couple of them advise “seeing other’s success as a community success” and “your own success as a communal effort.” I will say I have an issue with these pieces of advice. Why must it be about you and why must what you do be about the other? Isn’t the point to feel good for another for what she has done and also owning our own accomplishments as ours. Of course, both often involve the other, but it feels like we should be able to stand on our own two feet with feeling pride for ourselves and for the other as an individual. These pieces of advice remind of current parenting techniques, where everyone gets a prize.

The truth is not everyone gets a prize all the time. Being able to sit back and genuinely feel good for another no matter what is going on in our own lives and to expect others to feel this for us in turn is a mark of maturity and something to strive for — and it may cultivate more joy in your own life.

Fredenfreude for the other — and for ourselves.

New Years Resolution Resolve

Posted on January 30, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

New Years Resolutions Resolve. In short, are you still keeping yours?

We are a month into 2023 and I suppose it’s a good moment to check in with yourself and how you are doing with those New Year’s Resolutions and your resolve to have kept them or let them go. If it just doesn’t even seem relevant any longer than there is the answer — funny how that happens.

Right after the holidays and for the majority of January it’s all about a fresh start, new habits, health, a reset, a Dry January, and more. And then the month moves on and people are often anxious to get back to the status quo, i.e. “Bartender, hand me my drink.” Just kidding, but I think you know what I mean.

So then is New Years Resolutions resolve just a flight of fancy, a set up for failure a few weeks later, a frustrating activity, an activity that gets to what we would like for ourselves even if we cannot keep them. I often wonder what the whole point is of the business of resolutions?

Well, if you made a few, if you remember them, this week marks a moment where one can check in with self to see if they are still important or not. If you can’t even remember them, then no need to think further. However, if they are still on your mind and/or you have been actively been doing them, then the check in provides an opportunity to see how it’s going. Where exactly is your resolve around your resolutions?

Remember too that New Years Resolutions can look different that an actual goal — it can be a word, a color, a feeling that you seek to name over the year. If you have chosen one of these, bring to mind the word and check in to see if it still fits for where you are now that we are month in.

The last week of January/first week of February allows a good week to check in. Well, it’s always a good idea to check in with one’s self, and New Year’s resolutions can certainly be a perfect way into this reflection.

For me, I can hardly remember what I resolved. What I want is to be intentional each day and see how I am using my time that I have been given in meaningful ways overall. So, for me, it’s not about a once a year resolution, but rather an ongoing dialogue within about where my attention, energy, and time are going.

I resolve to keep track. You?

How to Worry Nonsense

Posted on January 23, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

How to worry nonsense seems to be in the papers this January. It’s no surprise given the bent of most articles this time of year is how to be “better” both physically and mentally. However, I was shocked to see the headline in this Washington Post article, Don’t Try to Worry Less. Worry Smarter” The title sounds good in theory, i.e. worry!, but just do it in a way that is better for you — smarter for you.

All I got from this title was now you are worrying wrong. Ugh! Must there be so much judgement even on our worries?

The article is filled with lots of tips and tricks to acknowledge your worries, i.e. find it in your body, problem solve, and then let go. Oh so simple. If we could do any of these things, would any of us be worried? Probably not according to this article.

Worry is more than what is going on in your mind at the time. Often worries are deeply embedded in earlier experiences where we were left alone, let down, our expectations were not met, the worst happened, and more. When the events, people, or whatever comes up in our here and now and we “worry” it is often calling back to these earlier woundings and hurts.

That is why it is almost impossible to worry smarter.

How about using our worries as a place to get to know ourselves better. Inviting the worry in and letting it breathe. It certainly has something to tell us about our present concerns and where we have come from. If we can tolerate looking at ourselves from this lens, our worries can lead us to know ourselves in deeper ways.

It’s not always about being smarter and better by letting go and getting rid of the (what has been deemed) “bad” stuff. Sometimes it’s about tolerating our worries and anxieties, allowing them space to breathe, so we can then hear what they are trying to say and learn more about ourselves.

My two cents.

To Be In Awe

Posted on January 16, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

To be in awe! What a wonder that would be — particularly if we could be in awe on a regular basis in our daily lives.

I wasn’t much thinking about awe as the new year got underway, but then I stumbled upon a New York Times article titled, How a Bit of Awe Can improve Your Health and I became curious. Of course, most January articles are going to bend toward good health habits to get the new year underway, but I wondered what else awe could do for one’s self?

According to the article and author who wrote the book on awe, “it is a feeling that transcends one’s self.” Do you agree with this idea? When you are in awe are you no longer holding yourself in mind, but something beyond yourself? For me, when I think of awe filled moments in my life, they usually have to do with something spectacular I have seen or experienced, i.e. a double rainbow after a rain storm, amazing wild animals in their natural habitat, gorgeous beauty in nature, a friend’s baby and seeing her first steps, meeting my nieces for the first time, and more.

I am also in awe of others — people who contribute to their community in a meaningful way, people who check in with me and hold me in mind, particularly when it comes as a surprise, people who jump in to save another from harm, and more. I think when I take in humanity on the whole, I am in much awe. For as much as the world feels stressed and strained, people push forward in ways that are awe inspiring.

A dose of awe on a regular basis, I believe does take one outside of herself to focus on things larger than one’s self and one’s problems. However, they are moments and difficult to sustain — particularly on a dreary ho hum day in January. However, I believe we can cultivate it on a regular basis with intention.

How? Well, we aren’t necessarily going to run into something awe inspiring each day, but we can choose to be on the lookout — in the news, on our walks, in our interactions, in what we observe of others. Remember back in the day when we were encouraged to kept lists of things we are grateful for. Perhaps the list needs to be revamped to capture what filled us with some awe in any given day. Remember writing it down not only helps us to remember it, but also to build the muscle to recognize awe more and more often.

I want to have an awesome year ahead. One filled with awe-fiiled sights, sounds, people, kindness, and more. Here’s to not only finding it, but also embodying it within ourselves.

On that note, has anybody told you today just how awesome you are?

Telehealth Therapy

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

Telehealth therapy has become the present and future way of conducting therapy sessions ever since the pandemic took hold in March 2020. As a new clinician at that time, I had set up my office and was building my practice in the very way I was trained to do throughout attending school — in-person sessions in a small, containing office where my patients could be with me. I was only 4 months into practicing this traditional way, when a world-wide pandemic came along and shut down society as we knew it.

Although people still needed mental health services, there was then no opportunity to meet in- person. Luckily, we live in a day and age where technology does not hold such boundaries and allowed, through many different on-line video platforms, ways to connect therapists to their patients in real time, on-line, on a regular basis. Although there was resistance in the therapy industry, given how highly valued in-person work has always been, everybody moved to this way of working therapeutically — from the analysts to the behavioral therapists. Everyone went on-line to conduct their sessions.

Now that we can (mostly) say that the pandemic is behind us, mask mandates are still in effect for health-care providers, including mental health therapists. That means that we can meet you in our office, but we still have to have face coverings on — hiding most of the face. Given this constraint and the value I place on seeing my patients’ faces and having them see mine, I have become a full-time telehealth therapist only offering services via video or phone.

Even as I have committed to telehealth counseling, I have also expanded who I serve across America, including New Jersey (where I am based these days), Washington, and Maryland. Being able to serve all people throughout these states also underlies my value of equity of care to all people, not just those living in the city that I reside in. Telehealth has allowed for people to access care from wherever they are and this is one of the values I hold for myself and my practice.

As I have been practicing for almost three years as a telehealth therapist, I also appreciate the convenience it has on my patients’ lives. By and large, people enter into session in a space that they hold a degree of comfort in, have not had to deal with a harried, resource-driven commute to see me, and can seamlessly integrate care of their mental health into their daily life. It is a factor that allows for ease in attending regular weekly sessions with me.

Finally, for me, I have the opportunity to see the expressions on patients’ faces and for them to see my face. Although I am not in the actual room and cannot take in the entirety of a person, I can take in what is being communicated via one’s eyes, in how they are holding their face and reacting to what is going on in the space between us, and I can hear the affect and emotion as tone of voice and facial expressions emerge to tell me something more than the words being spoken. To see another’s face is paramount for me to feel connected to my patients.

If you are curious about the ins and outs of how telehealth therapy works, it’s actually quite simple — a link is sent to you that is HIPAA compliant and you click on it and we are in session together. Pets are welcome too! If you want more details, you can always reach out to me if you are in New Jersey, Washington, or Maryland to learn more.

It’s a new year and my therapy practice is in the new of being fully telehealth — first it happened due to the pandemic and, today, continues due to the legacy of mask mandates still in place. For me, it allows me to serve more people equitably and, at the core, this is what I value most of all.

Happy Holidays Stress Less

Posted on December 19, 2022 by Lisa Kothari

Happy Holidays! Now is the time to stress less.

What? How is this even possible when it’s less than ten days to Christmas? Right now, I am hearing — and I am sure you are too — “I am so busy!,” “Why is everything so packed?,” and “How am I going to get all of this done?” Very rarely do you hear someone saying they are truly enjoying this magical season — with enough time and resources to make it easy peasy.

The funny thing is it is such a special time of year — the glittery lights, the children’s wonder, the baubles that are fun to window shop, the cheesy holiday movies, the special treats, and the opportunity to be with family and friends and generally make merry. But we are so BUSY, it is hard to even actually be present to any of it. December 26th or January 1st or 2nd dawns and it’s pure relief that we got through it — which is fine — you did and you lost out on being present to yourself throughout the season.

So, as you enter into these final days of the build up to the season, I encourage you to stress less. How to do that? Here are some simple ideas to hold yourself in mind to reduce your holiday stress:

First, choose you. This is probably the greatest gift you not only can give to yourself, but your loved ones as well. Taking a nap, watching a favorite show, getting a way for some time on your own will not only rejuvenate you, but will also help you slow down and be present to yourself and the season.

Second, you have enough time — you are in time. And whatever you don’t get to there will be another time. Think about what are the top few priorities and let the rest go. Focus on the things/events/people that are paramount to your, your life, and your traditions and let the rest rest.

Third, say no. We hear this all the time, but really this two letter little word is your best friend — especially this time of year. As everyone is saying they are so busy and trying to get you to ease their burdens, you can choose you and choose to say no. It is not imperative that you hop on the other’s anxious holiday state. No, no, no is a yes to you.

These are just a few thoughts to keep in mind as you celebrate happy holidays and stress less. You can have both when you hold yourself in mind as you make merry.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Write It Down

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Lisa Kothari

Write it down? What’s that?

How often have you seen someone lately with a notebook and pen in hand? My guess is not very often. Now, think back and ask yourself how many people have you seen on a screen lately? I bet the numbers are explosive right now in your mind. They may be reading or typing, but the screen is the gateway to just about anything these days.

I am from an era, however, where people wrote things down — and I mean wrote everything down as lugging out a typewriter to type anything out other than something formal wasn’t about to happen. We wrote out to do lists, recipes, essays, budgets, reminders, letters, notes, and whatever else you can think of — if we were wanting to record something for any reason we were grabbing a pen and paper.

I went back to graduate school in my mid-40s and during the very first class I definitely noticed a change. As class began, everyone was pulling out their laptops as I pulled out my fresh notebook and pen. It didn’t take me too long to gather who was the dinosaur in the room — me! However, that never bothered me, and I gladly opened up my tools to begin to record my notes.

At that point, the Professor looked out into the sea of students in the large class and addressed everyone, “I see you all have your laptops out ready to go, but there is hard core research that says people best learn by writing down notes — something about pen to paper contact makes absorbing information easier.”

Of course, the Professor was probably ten years older than me, so I thought perhaps she just hasn’t gotten with the times and is using “research” as an excuse to not feel so old given how it used to be. However, more and more there has been research out that says exactly this — humans remember more when we write it down.

I know for me this is true. Once I have my to do list written, I sort of know in my head what is on there more so than when I type it on a screen. I have an electronic calendar and I have a paper calendar. Oh how I love my written calendar and writing it all down. Partly this is my era and partly it is because I remember it all better when I write it down.

I was struck recently when a person in her mid 20s was discussing crafting a budget and related she was writing it all out and that this helped her more than any budget app as she could see for herself the ecosystem of her money and remember the amounts and the categories much more easily. Even someone much younger than myself finds putting pen to paper better.

So, if you are having difficulty remembering tasks, events on the calendar, tracking your money and/or any other number of tasks, write it down instead. Try it at the very least.

Oh! And everyone always appreciates a handwritten letter! You could even begin there!

Lisa Kothari Counseling

Author Archives: Lisa Kothari