Do You Feel Alone or Lonely?

Woman alone or lonely
Are you alone or lonely?

Do you feel alone or lonely these days?

Well, for many people we are going either into Day 1, Week 1, Week 4 or more under a “Shelter in Place” order by our Governors across the United States and for many abroad where the entire countries in Europe and beyond are also indoors — staying put to slow down a virus and save lives. For now, we are all in this together — but on our own. Meaning, you are basically with who you live with — no more, no less.

This may mean a houseful of people, a couple and a child, a couple, or one person on her own. Regardless of who you are at home with these days, it can be difficult. Even if you are an introvert, it may be easier to be home in isolation with yourself or others, but when it is not a choice it can be difficult for you as well.

Thus begs the question in these days whether we feel alone or lonely. Sometimes we can feel both.

To be alone is not necessarily a bad state to be in. How often do we yearn for time to be alone with our thoughts or to spend time exactly as we want to spend it without concern for others. Being alone opens a gateway to engaging with one’s self without any distractions. To be alone can be wonderful.

To be lonely is an entirely different matter. Loneliness can make one feel empty and unwanted and may also lead to depression. Being alone is not a time to recharge, but rather time to move into a low place of feeling about one’s self. In these times of “sheltering in place” many people are not only alone, but are also feeling lonely. And even if you are not alone as you are living with your family, you can feel utterly lonely.

Normally one of the antidotes to loneliness is to reach out and be with others. However, in our current circumstances that is near impossible. So, how do we combat loneliness during these extraordinary times?

  1. Pose the question to yourself — are you alone, lonely or both?
  2. If you are alone, but not feeling lonely, relish this time. Follow your bliss at home and enjoy the time to recharge alone and/or with your family.
  3. If you are feeling lonely, whether alone or living with others, this is a natural feeling when so much of life has changed and there is forced time to be at home. Ask yourself if you are feeling empty and unwanted? What is this time bringing up for you? Use the feeling of loneliness to learn more about yourself.
  4. From there, think about what you can do to bring yourself out of your lonely state. Although we are in our homes, we are encouraged to go outside and take walks in nature which may help you place yourself in the larger world. Indulge in taking care of yourself at a very high level indulging in things that make you feel good, perhaps a salt bath or a vigorous workout, a favorite show or book to tune into, or a favorite song that will move you to dance.
  5. Of course, connection is key as we are humans and desire to connect with one another. If you are feeling lonely, even as you are living with your family, make time to connect with them in meaningful ways. If you are alone, make video call dates with family and friends. I have also heard of on-line classes taking place where people are making things together or working out together. You may want to look into activities that can be done together on-line. Make sure to keep connecting each day.

To be alone is not synonymous with feeling lonely. During this time of “shelter in place” check in with yourself often to see how you are feeling and make sure to move to take care of yourself during this time. You may be alone or feel alone, but you can combat the feeling of loneliness if you continue to check in and ask yourself what you need in the here and now moment.

My hope is each of us will use this time to nurture ourselves — learning about how we react to such times internally and what we move to do externally to care well for ourselves.

Dear Therapist: Winter Isolation

A Season of Loneliness?

Dear Therapist,

I am feeling isolated this season. It feels like I am spending more time on my own, at home, binging shows, cooking for one, and generally feeling isolated. Is there any way to alleviate my winter blues?

I get you – particularly after the snowy, cold week we have had in the Seattle area recently. The pattern almost feels painful. Get up, head to work, come home, eat dinner, watch shows, and head to bed. People are over the holiday merriment and the cold has burrowed in to make it hard to feel and/or stay connected.

What to do?

Most likely it’s going to take some energy to break the pattern, but you can choose community over isolation even during this season — even if you find it challenging.

Here are some ideas:

  1. Invite a group of friends over to watch your favorite shows together — or watch a show with a friend on-line using FaceTime or another similar service.
  2. Don’t go home right away after work. Perhaps pop into a book store or a coffee shop and take in the scene. Even if you don’t know anyone being a part of the hustle and bustle of the place will lift the feeling of isolation.
  3. Host a dinner party or a game night – make it potluck in terms of food and games.
  4. Catch a movie on the big screen – with friends or on your own. Again, being in a public place can do a lot to take you out of that felt sense of isolation.
  5. Volunteer — spend some time working on behalf of a cause you love. You will meet like-minded people and gain a sense of purpose

These are only a few of the ways that you can beat winter isolation. Anything that breaks your routine and puts you around people or involves your community will be helpful.

Spring is coming – the days are already lengthening. Winter’s grip will recede in due time. In the meantime, challenge yourself to stay connected.

The Happy Lamp

Living in Seattle this time of year, there is not much natural light to be found. Until the winter solstice, which takes place around December 22nd, we are losing more and more precious minutes of light as each day passes. I estimate that the sun is rising around 7:30 am and setting between 4:15 and 4:30 pm.

The days are short!

It is this time of year that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) descends on many people. Perhaps all you want to do is sleep? Maybe you just can’t get out of bed? Maybe your mood is depressed and/or you lack your normal levels of energy? SAD can be felt in many many ways on a daily basis during this time of year.

Oh light! Where are you?

I have heard that people pull out their “Happy Lamps” this time of year. This is a special light that one sits in front of and bathes in light specifically meant to combat the effects of SAD. Many people have related that it helps alleviate their symptoms during this time of year.

If you have SAD this time of year, perhaps a Happy Lamp that allows you to bathe in light may be helpful to you. During breakfast, pulling out the lamp may be a way to start your day off with energy and a mood lift as we face these natural dark days.