How to End Your Quarantine Day

Posted on April 16, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

Here’s an idea to help you end your quarantine day on an upbeat note, one that will not only lift your spirits, but perhaps those around you as well.

Clap!

Apparently, in NYC, people around 7 pm are lifting their windows up and clapping for all of the essential workers serving during this important time in history. Not only does the clap offer a daily release at the end of the day that is fueled by gratitude, but it engages your neighbors to do the same, and anyone who hears and is a front-line worker can hear the appreciation loud and clear.

I don’t think it only has to be clapping, you could also sing a song, or yell out, “How are you?” to your neighbors. The point is to engage your community by collectively coming together in a way that is distant and safe and making an expression of gratitude for all to hear. It may become a daily ritual that you look forward to.

This idea is sweeping the nation. Give it a try and then check in and see how that was for you. Of course, there are many quieter ways to express gratitude, write a letter, donate to a food bank, reach out to someone who feels lonely or forgotten, support a local business that is still open, and more. Perhaps it is just something we can be mindful of each day of this quarantine.

Do something – whether loud or quiet – to appreciate all that you have and all that others are giving right now.

Do You Have that Forgotten Feeling?

Posted on April 13, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

Do you have a feeling of being forgotten these days?

During this extraordinary time, all of us are spending our days at home. If you are single or living alone for another reason, it is easy to not only feel lonely, but there may also be a sharp edge to this feeling — one that is laced with feeling you are forgotten by others. It is one thing to be lonely, quite another to have a felt sense of being forgotten by your family and friends.

This felt sense of being forgotten by those you care for can land one into a depression thinking that no one remembers you exist and are curious enough to reach out, check in, and hear how you are doing. There is never an excuse for people to not remember, but in the fast-paced world that we normally move in we are left with little space to touch base with those we are thinking of on a regular basis. We become too caught up in our own selves.

But what is happening when all we have is time on our hands? Still, no calls come in to you with people checking in on you. I believe this situation is extraordinary in and of itself and has thrown people off kilter. I am not sure they are forgetting you, but rather are caught up with their own whirlwind of emotions as they face this crisis that they fine there is no extra room for others.

What if you are noticing you are the one always reaching out and thinking of others and checking in? Yet, the same is not returned to you in kind. This may also lead to a felt sense of feeling forgotten by others. Unless you are reaching and doing, nothing is happening. How empty!

How can you move out of the feeling of being alone that is laced with feeling forgotten and into feeling connected and remembered by others? Here are some ideas:

Set up a standing check in time with others and take turns reaching out to one another.
Use your voice and let people know how you are feeling so that people can move in toward you rather than you moving away from them.
In your family, set up a chart of Birthdays and anniversaries and other important dates and share it. Make a commitment to remembering one another.
Reach out and ask a friend to call you
Observe who is making gestures to share time with you. Perhaps there are people doing this, but you are not tuned in to these people as you are focused on someone else remembering you. Keep track of who is present and available to you and show up to this person and be present.

It is a terrible feeling to feel lonely and it is even more complex when there is an element of feeling forgotten. Recognize the feeling and move toward caring for yourself, especially during these extraordinary times. When a friend recently confided how alone and lonely they felt, I made the effort to text this person and sent some real mail. Her sharing her very real feelings with me allowed me to directly remember her and hold her up.

Be open to surprise! Others may do the same for you.

Shelter in Place Productivity

Posted on April 9, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

Under the Shelter in Place Order, do you feel pressure to be productive?

I read an interesting article in the New York Times last week regarding productivity. Most Americans believe in the ethos of being productive during each of their days, and this time is no different. You may be working from home, but with no commute time and orders to stay in round the clock, there is more time in our lives to be productive. Yet, this article challenges the idea of productivity and asks Americans to stop trying to be productive.

I will admit, I have heard many stories of self-condemnation during this time from people wishing they were getting up earlier, working on their creative projects more, learning a new hobby, exercising more, cooking up gourmet food, and more. The idea of sleeping in, watching TV, reading for pleasure, napping, and/or doing absolutely nothing is not something people are aspiring to right now, but perhaps we should be.

Must this “shelter in place” time be one where we find new ways to criticize ourselves by not meeting American productivity standards? It is important during this time where we have been grounded in our homes to give credence to this strange situation. Just living under our circumstances is taking more energy and time. No it is not time that is producing anything, but it does take energy. This may be why we are sleeping more or a little slow during our days or can’t get as much done as we would like.

We are also challenged to be communicating with others constantly through technology. Although it is wonderful to live in this age with technology at our fingertips, it is tiring to be meeting others over the screen. It is not the easiest to begin with and then to have to go through meeting after meeting – both personal and professional – via the computer, it tires us in ways we are not tracking, but just assuming that it is the same as before.

The many ways our lives have changed is taking more time to process and live into each day. Before you lay on yourself productivity goals, perhaps check in and see what has changed and how you may be caring for yourself during these times. Most likely, these ways will not be about productivity, but rather slowing down and doing less. Being able to turn down the volume on our productivity is a gift we can give ourselves, especially if we can drop the judgement that we aren’t doing enough.

You are enough and are doing enough in this moment. There is a wonderful argument to be made for not being productive at this moment in time. Take up this challenge and do less and take good care.

Money Anxiety

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

Money anxiety! Is it ever real these days. Not only are we in a pandemic dealing with a huge health crisis, but also one that has lead to economic insecurity for a majority of Americans. I don’t think I can ever remember a time in US history since I have been alive where people en mass lose their jobs in an instant. That’s right — one minute people are working for business serving the needs of people in society, the next an order has come down that closes all business for no set time frame.

The message — Go home until the virus recedes. Now, not only do we have to worry about our health and that of our family and friends, but also how we will survive and pay our bills. Some relief is on the way after weeks of negotiation at the federal level, but it’s one-time check without a lot of certainty of when this will end. It will no doubt help, but it’s not the complete answer to our money anxiety.

Most people have a pile of bills to pay – not only rent, utilities, and food, but also many other expenses that may include school and child care, insurance, and many other everyday expenses to keep life moving along on time and paid in full. For most Americans, all of these expenses are paid out of what we earn. If we aren’t earning there is no money to be able to pay our obligations. Further, most Americans have no extra money to save for times like these. We are a nation of people who live paycheck to paycheck. Many are living close to the edge of their money budget even when things hum along.

Bring along a pandemic that closes all business for weeks with no end in sight and people’s money anxiety takes hold in a way that almost feels like strangulation. Now what?

Well, the first thing to remember is you are not alone. Almost everyone is in the same boat. Often when we don’t have enough money to meet our bills and obligations, we feel shame with the thought that everyone else can manage well, but us. Such thoughts can be dropped when we feel we are in good company with the majority of society. We are not alone.

Next, in order to calm anxiety, particularly around money, it is important to sit down and look at one’s budget. That’s right. Many people don’t even know how much money they have and where it is going. Now is the time time get out pencil and paper and track one’s spending to see where it is all going. During this time, much of the way you spend money may no longer be relevant. Eating out, movies and other entertainment is closed off to all of us. That is money that you will no longer spend.

Track what you will still need to spend to live – rent, utilities, and food. Those are the basics for now. How much money do you have to cover these categories? How much do you need? Once you have these questions answered, it is time to get on the phone to your creditors to see what you can work out as far as payments during this time without interest and penalties. This is the time to advocate for yourself.

Once you drop any shame over your money situation and have done all you can to cut expenses and negotiate with your creditors, it is time to bring a mindful approach to the situation. This will not last. A new day may dawn where things do not look exactly the same as before, but that time is not here yet. Grounding one’s self in the present moment and shoring up a sense of security in the now is what is required. Do you have all you need for today? It is important to not get too ahead of one’s self here. Be in the now and think about your money security in the present.

It is an acute time for money anxiety, Sharing your stories, recognizing you are not alone, taking stock of your budget, and taking action to reduce expenses and payments are all concrete steps you can take to ease your money anxiety. Further, practicing being in the moment will also help ease the concerns you have for tomorrow.

Book Review: Separation Anxiety: A Novel

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

Separation Anxiety: A Novel Book — *Separation Anxiety*, by Laura Zigman

Ah, another book for the middle-aged woman in me. Separation Anxiety: A Novel by Laura Zigman is another book targeted at women my age today. I have to say I am wondering if there is just a huge onslaught of these books all of a sudden, or I am just noticing them because I am the target audience. Hmmmm….

Anyway, I read about this book in the New York Times Book Review section and immediately downloaded it on my kindle. I am middle-aged and own a dog. Perhaps there was something I could truly relate to in this book. Perhaps not?

The story is about a 50-year-old woman who found her baby’s sling in the basement as she attempts to get organized and begins to wear her dog around in it almost all of the time — first in private and then in public. Sort of like an emotional support dog tied to her hip. The dog’s weight, about 20 lbs, provides the character with comfort and a sense of being needed by a living being in ways that her husband, who she is estranged from, and her tween son no longer seem to need her.

It’s a light-hearted book that can be read in a few hours. If you are a middle-aged woman looking to escape from your own distress at your situation both professionally and personally speaking, Judy Vogel, the title character, offers a brief respite into her world that may be different to yours, but that you may feel resonates with you. Such as,

Did you have a shining moment in your career and now can’t seem to find not only success, but any type of spark toward it?

Are your children too old to be held and yearning to be more independent, all the while you want to hold them a little bit longer — or like a lot longer?

Are you taking to doing quirky things to get your emotional needs met? Maybe not carrying a dog around in a sling, but perhaps over exercising, over eating, fining yourself at every salon in town all the time, chasing the elixir of youth?

Judy Vogel offers you a journey into how she is trying to make meaning of her world at this time in her life answering these questions in her own way. This is a book about middle-aged anxiety, but it is not a serious book, but rather a light and frothy one about how these things slowly creep up on us all and then how we are slammed with the truth we are living. Where we go from there is anyone’s guess.

My hope with reading this book was to give me a sense that there is no quick answer, but rather a capacity to live into what is unfolding and make peace with it and one’s self. If a dog on one’s hip helps? Hey, why not!

Missing Milestones

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

It seems that this is going to be a year when high school and college students are going to be missing milestones in their lives. As an adult looking back, proms, senior year antics, and graduation ceremonies feel like distant memories that I do not attach much importance to. However, if I were to be a high school or college senior at this moment in time I would feel a whole lot of negative emotions thinking I was about to be robbed of all of the celebrations I have worked so hard for the past few years.

When I think back on that time in my life, around April through mid-June life revolves around so many fun activities that mark the end of a long journey even as we start to look forward to the next stage of our lives. During this pandemic, people are being forced to stay home and away from friends, any activities that have to do with groups of people are forbidden, and schools look to be out until September. I hear that most will have their degrees mailed to them. Goodbye and Good Luck without any pomp or circumstance.

This is tough!

If you are living with a high school senior or have a college senior back at home this spring, it is important for you to help them navigate this time that surely feels disappointing. As they are missing milestones, how can you help them navigate this disappointing time and mark it uniquely within your family? These are the questions of the moment.

First, allow your child to vent, be angry, express disappointment and anger at the entire situation. Invite these feelings and be present to them. What your young adult is feeling is real and being able to make space and validate these feelings is important. If you are having a difficult time empathizing, remember back to how you felt during these important moments. It may feel long ago and not so important, but at the time it was everything. Recalling your own experience at that time, may help you hold space for your children to vent without feeling the need to shut them down.

Second, don’t jump the gun and think all is lost. Perhaps all will be cancelled, perhaps it will all be postponed — most of us don’t know exactly what is going to happen. It is difficult to live with uncertainty and not be able to make any definitive plans for these celebrations. Rather, one has to just take it day-by-day and be in the moment. So difficult at this time.

Third, if the special events are called off, finding creative ways to celebrate may be called for not only by you, but the entire school community. Perhaps a virtual prom is held as well as a virtual graduation ceremony. I am not sure if these types of events are in the works, but perhaps you could call the school/ PTA or whomever to inquire as to how this end of school could be marked in community with one another without being physically close to one another. If nothing is going to take place via the school, perhaps your own community of friends and families can get together virtually and mark the occasion together. One thing, it will be unforgettable.

Finally, make sure that you, as a family, mark the occasion of graduation. Perhaps you delay the party until it is safe or simply have a family celebration with cake and well wishes and creative gifts. Perhaps you create a video to mark the day. Technology can very much be our friend during such a time. Make sure to make time and make it a big deal for your graduate!

All is not lost during this time that may bring your senior to missing milestones in their school career. However, by allowing space for them to share their feelings, looking into what can be done at a school/community level, and marking it personally will help make the occasions special this season. Hold on to what is important and make sure to not forget even as society battles this pandemic.

Virus Anxiety

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

The times we are living in are anxiety-provoking in general. Politics, resources, climate, and every day stressors seem to increase on an almost daily basis. And now, a pandemic comes along and hits our lives as well as the people we know and love in our community with full force. People are sick and a virus is spreading like a wildfire.

Many of us have been ordered to work from home, children are also being kept at home from school, nursing homes and hospitals have quarantined their residents, and large gatherings of people are no longer permitted. Beyond that, the economic impact is being felt by many who need to go to work to get paid, who do not have childcare options, who do not have insurance — quite simply put, most Americans know it is too expensive to get sick.

From the business angle, many people are just not going out to shop, to eat, to watch movies or just about anything else. The grocery stores are busy with people stocking up on supplies for at least two weeks, but that’s about it. A ghost town effect is severely hurting the ability of local business to stay open. Our communities may not look the same after this virus recedes with so many closings.

If you have anxiety brought on by this recent virus, it is understandable. The Washington Post just ran an article about it and I don’t think you necessarily have to have been diagnosed with an official anxiety disorder to feel anxiety about this virus. Will we get it? Do my loved ones have it? That cough I just coughed, is that the virus? When will things get back to normal? Will any of it be normal again? How will I pay my bills? All of these questions and more can make our minds and bodies extremely anxious.

Top tips for relieving anxiety are discussed in the article above, and I want to add a few of my own:

You may be isolated in your home from your work community and friends, but technology is wonderful in times like these. Make a point to reach out and check in through tech on a regular basis.
Go to your breath and breathe. Four counts in through your nose and four counts out through your mouth will help to slow you down. Your breath is always available to you for free. Let it help keep you calm during this time.
Try to keep some things normal for yourself. Walking your dog, getting some errands done, keeping to your daily routine of waking up and heading to bed, and other parts of life that can be maintained as you would normally would live will help give you something concrete to hold on to during this time.

There are many ways to calm anxiety from meditation, to nutrition, to exercise and more. Choose one or more that works well for you and do it. All things pass in due time. Keep this in mind at all times.

Be well!

Book Review: How to Go Plastic Free

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

Woman picks up plastic litter off beach — Just say no to plastic!

This past holiday season, I received a book titled, How to Go Plastic Free by Caroline Jones. The book’s tag line is Eco Tips for Busy People. In fact, the author spotlights 100 easy ideas. Well, not every one of these ideas is easy, but bringing our attention to the many ways plastic is a part of each day and the amount of plastic we are using and then providing ways to reduce our dependence on plastic is an admirable effort.

Just like the picture in this post, I am saddened when I walk on many beaches these days and see the mounds of plastic everywhere — and I do mean everywhere. It is particularly disheartening when I see plastic wrapped around the head of a fish, who has washed up on the shore choked to death by the plastic wrap. How to go plastic free is on my mind!

Anything that can help me reduce my plastic use and footprint is something I am interested in today. Some of Jones’ ideas include:

Using loose tea
Bringing your own container
Swap shower gel for soap
Buy toilet paper without plastic packaging
Say no to plastic bags when you purchase produce

Just these few suggestions can really make a difference in one’s use of plastic. Other ideas may take more time:

Make your own condiments
Make your own soda water
Go green with toys
Batch-cook baby food
Buy milk from the milk man

Some of these ideas require more time and money and these are often the barriers to ditching plastic.

The point isn’t to completely never use plastic again — although my personal opinion is the world would be a better place if we did so – but to raise our awareness and seek to reduce our reliance on plastic. All of this can help reduce our eco-anxiety too!

How to go plastic free or bust? Not quite, but this little book is a quick and handy resource to help get us started.

Eco Anxiety: Finding Hope in Hopelessness

Posted on February 17, 2020 by Lisa Kothari

I was reading an interesting article last week on Eco Anxiety and how it is being felt by Generation Z. I have been curious to read an article like this one given the dire circumstances our environment is in these days. As school-aged children take in the news, I have been curious as to how they are dealing with the news and what it all may mean for their future on Earth.

The term eco-anxiety was new to me, but it also seems to capture the concern well. It’s a term coined and defined as “chronic fear of environmental doom.” With wildfires burning out of control, hurricanes destroying major cities on a regular basis, mass migration of people across the globe for political reasons, news headlines of starving wildlife, and the UN putting out reports that humans have 12 years to solve the crisis or we are all doomed, I can see why younger generations are feeling anxiety. What is their future going to look like if there is no planet to sustain them?

The article discusses in some depth how parents, teachers, and other adults can offer hope to the youth even when all of the news and statistics point to hopelessness. How does one manage her eco-anxiety?

It seems one of the best ways to help youth allay their alarmist fears is to talk about the environment in an open and honest manner. And to keep talking. Looking at the issue from a historical lens on how we got here and preparing them to critically think about ways to approach the environmental crisis differently than past generations. There is hope because they are young and have an opportunity to bring new ideas to the situation.

Still, managing eco-anxiety is something that all of us need to engage in. Even if we are middle to old age people, the planet is where we all live and her well-being parallels our own. So, instead of swinging from catastrophe to denying that there is a problem, finding a “middle space” where one can weigh up the issue and think through solutions on personal, communal, and societal levels seems to be a place of healthy management for one’s eco-anxiety.

I found it interesting to read in this article how young people feel resistant to having to take it on at all — that older generations should be the ones protecting them and the planet. They have homework to do, dates to make, sports to play, and colleges to apply for. Why should they have to be the ones to be bothered? Good question.

Being a member of Generation X, I can say, when I was young, I also wanted to enjoy my youth and time as a teen. When I say that no one worried about the environment back then, I really mean it. Recycling came in to the suburban neighborhoods sometime in the 80s and most people didn’t even engage in it too much. It was slow to dawn on any of us that we needed to stop using plastic, recycle, conserve resources, and more. Am I proud of this? No. Is this the same tug and pull Generation Z is feeling – yes. They too want the luxury of burying their heads in the sand and living life without these environmental cares.

And now time is running out. If some generation does not care, it is going to be too late. Still, balancing one’s own life with the greater concerns seems to be the way to manage eco-anxiety. Otherwise, Generation Z will become like all of the generations before — except the planet may not be able to sustain it.

The end of the article, a parent hugs her child and apologizes to her — apologizes for not having done something more to solve the crisis. I am not sure anyone needs to apologize, rather we need to dialogue honestly and work together to preserve our planet and maintain its health. Eco-anxiety will paralyze us into denial and overwhelm. Planet Earth will be more harmed by this more than anything else.

We are the hope.

Lisa Kothari Counseling

Category Archives: Anxiety