We are three days into the New Year…now what? The celebrations are over and the long, cold winter is staring me in the face. What to do?
Breathe and relax is the answer that comes to the top of my mind, but that is anything but easy.
Why does it seem so impossible?
There may be a couple of reasons:
A whole new year is staring you in the face – and you have not a clue what to do.
The old is very much a part of your life and you feel stuck in it all and there are no holiday distractions to keep the feeling at bay.
It’s cold, dark, and the days are super short.
You’ve already broken your New Year Resolution
None of these make anyone feel very comfortable – let alone desiring to breathe and relax.
So, what to do? First, remember January is 31 days long. It will be here and gone – nothing lasts forever and neither will this month if it feels bleak to you.
Second, what are some pleasures that you can incorporate into your days. I listed a few of my own yesterday here, but surely you have your own list of ways you care for yourself and things you do to take pleasure in the days no matter the season. Find one or two and bring some pleasure to these days.
Third, although its winter, getting out into nature and witnessing her beautiful nature during this season is also a way to refresh yourself. Perhaps you will take a Forest Bath — perhaps you will just walk your dog around the block. Whenever you are out there, breathe deep and take in the beauty.
Finally, make a plan for the spring! Is there a special outing or trip you would like to take when the days are longer and warmer. Dream on it, armchair travel, and make a plan. You will have something to look forward to and a pleasant way to pass the time.
Yes, the celebrations are over, but a whole new year has dawned to capture your attention and imagination. Live into it and go gently with yourself.
It’s that time of year! What do you think about New Year Resolutions? Should I make some or let it go for 2020?
Ah! Yes, a new year is about to dawn as is a whole new decade.
That means the pressure is on to resolve something for all of these new days to come. However, there is much evidence year in and year out that three weeks into the new year, the resolutions have been broken and we’re up to our old ways again.
Oh well, we gave it the good college try! But it does beg the question, should we even bother? Isn’t this just something else artificial that we lay upon ourselves to feel bad about in the not too distant future?
Through that lens, I would say let it go. Do not officially make any New Year resolutions.
At the same time, if there is something you want to resolve to do, be, take action on, etc. do it now whenever “now” arises. Do not put off change to some designated day in a given year.
Start now and make the commitment to yourself for you not because it is some season to do so. I think then and there we have a better chance of reaching our goals.
Whether or not to mark January 1 with a resolution, well that is entirely up to you. Only thing, if you do and you don’t stick to it, let it go and don’t worry about it. The effort is what counts.
Start the new year resolving to go gentle with yourself!
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but this time of year stresses me out in a way that may sound selfish. To be perfectly honest, I give good gifts to my family and friends. What I mean is the gifts are perfect for the person because I have heard them when they get excited about some item or another. The holidays are a time for me to surprise them with the thing they have told me they love. Not the case for me. I get a bunch of stuff that could be for the mailmxn quite frankly. I am always disappointed, but I never tell the person but rather hide it. I find myself taking a big bag of stuff to Value Village every year. How can I avoid feeling this disapppointment for yet another year?
Gifts – pretty as they are packaged – may sometimes disappoint!
Talk about a taboo topic! So glad you wrote in and brought some breath to what I believe many people feel in their hearts this time of year when they are opening their gifts from friends and family. Instead of genuine surprise and joy, most people have to put on their best role to pretend that this is the best present ever. How uncomfortable and tiring.
And, yet, as you point out, to show anything less than gratitude would mean you are selfish and ungrateful. Neither of these look good on anyone this time of year so we smile, act out our appreciation, secretly feel hurt and disappointment, throw it into the bin, and take it to the charity come January. We simply chalk up our disappointment as par for the season.
Ugh! To think this is what millions of people do each and every year. I can see why you want to avoid this uncomfortable rut.
Your question further delves into being someone who takes time to think about someone and then thoughtfully purchases something for the person to delight her. When this type of thought is not reciprocated it is doubly hurtful as you can easily begin to question if the friend or family member even knows you.
Well, what to do?
We cannot control anyone else but ourselves. It sounds important that the people whom you buy gifts for have something special from you. Feel good about this just for the way that you honor your loved ones.
Regarding the presents you receive, you could try moving into your truth by speaking it in a kind way. Letting the other know how much you appreciate that she thought about you and that this doesn’t feel like you for x, y, z reason. Even as I type these words, I feel how this sentiment can be taken as selfish,. Yet, being honest in a world where people smear over hard feelings to make the other feel OK, is actually a gift one can give another person.
First, that person is going to notice that you noticed what she gave to you. It’s not just one other thing you have now, but something that either suits you or does not. This leads that person to knowing two important things about you: one. you care about what she gave to you and two, she now knows what you do and do not like. It could be the person was just regifting something she didn’t want and didn’t know you cared so much. Either way, your truth will offer emotional vitality behind the gift received and given.
If you are truly sick of the cycle, but can never imagine bringing your truth to the table for whatever reason, you could also create a boundary and simply not exchange any longer. Perhaps these gifts are from long ago friends who really are out of touch with who you are now, but keep up the annual gift exchange without thinking. It’s OK to call it a day and say no to the entire exchange. This may also bring relief from your disappointment.
The holidays always offer some awkward moments, particularly around gift giving. Owning your feelings and bringing them forth in your truth is one way to set yourself free from this cycle of disappointment.
My partner doesn’t listen to me, or at least it doesn’t feel like she does. She is there in the room, I am talking, and I think she is hearing every word I am saying and then, a few moments later, she asks me all about what I have just told her. When I tell her I just told you all about that, she disagrees. Why doesn’t she listen to me — more importantly, why does she think she is listening to me?
Help!
Listening Muses
An all too familiar complaint in our relationships: a lack of listening! Take heart, this is common.
However, the reason someone may not be listening can vary greatly.
Perhaps your partner is doing something else at the same time and is not good at multitasking and, although she thinks she is listening, she is actually not wholly present to everything being communicated.
Perhaps although she wants to listen, she actually has something on her mind she wants to tell you about and so her mind is naturally more on her topic than yours.
Perhaps she is hearing you, but filtering in a way that is unique to her and so is experiencing your words and what you are communicating in a way that is about her and less about you and your experience.
It’s a very good question you pose — not only why is she not listening, but why does she think she actually is listening. And only she can answer this question.
So, this begs the next step. Sitting down and discussing the mechanics of how you communicate. This sounds almost like a business meeting of sorts and it kind of is – a meeting about the business of your communicating.
You can cover topics in this meeting, inlcuding:
What are the best conditions by which she can listen and hear you. Does she need quiet? Does she need to be fully focused on you and your words?
Does she have anything on her mind that she wants to talk to you about that she is distracted by?
Is something you are saying disturbing her or causing her anxiety? If so, how can she communicate this to you in the moment?
A series of questions like this can help you both better define the optimal conditions for communicating. Also, in the moment of speaking, you may want to check in with her to see what she is hearing you say so she can follow what you are saying and you can have confidence that she is with you.
Although we often think that communication is natural and easy, two people must open up in these ways to optimize the experience of not only speaking, but feeling heard by the other.
How should I handle people’s expectations this season? I’ve had a rough year and am not sure how much I want to really engage in the merriment. Is it OK to take the season off?
Yes! It is definitely “OK” to take the season “off.”
Even though you may feel pressure to engage full throttle in all of the festivities, there are definitely years when it is absolutely necessary to lie low and care for yourself. This is the most important gift you can give to yourself.
A secondary gift you can give yourself, that will also serve as a gift to your loved ones, is to create a holiday boundary so that people will know that you are feeling less than merry and need a year off. This may mean you are stepping back completely or only in certain ways, i.e. present exchanges or hosting the feast.
Check in with yourself to see what feels true for you this season and then commit to yourself as to what you will and will not do this season. From there, let people know so their expectations will be set by you clearly out of your authentic truth.
If this is a first time you are taking a break and setting boundaries, you may find some people are not happy with your decision and try to pressure you to engage as you have in the past. Change is tough — for everyone! — particularly at the holidays. However, hold fast and stay true to you.
In a year (or two) you may feel once again in the mood to participate fully just as everyone has always remembered — or maybe not. Whatever you decide is the right decision.
