Word Games

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

Word games — do you play them? It used to be games like Scrabble and the NYT Crossword Puzzle — but now there are many more options. It seems like the game Wordle has made us all a fan of word games. Well, that one is quick, even if not always easy, and provides quick satisfaction of being competent in knowing your 5-letter words.

I was never big into word games, but I can see how they keep one’s mind sharp, provide an interesting distraction to calm one’s mind, and can be entertaining during an otherwise boring day. People have taken to sharing their results on social media as well. People comment on how hard or easy it was for them as well — without giving away the answer. (This all has to do with Wordle, of course.)

Recently, I have heard some people say they are using word games as a distraction away from their problems to the point that they cannot focus on what they really “should be focusing on” — often something that is a difficult change process. They see the word game as taking them away from the issues they have at hand, rather than helping. Of course, word games offer a calming and interesting distraction and can often be grounding during a time of personal upheaval.

It is not a bad thing to use word games as an object that takes one away from the worries/changes/anxiety and more at hand. I often see it as a part of one’s change process. Distracting one’s self from always holding the worry in mind feels important. It allows unconscious parts of ourselves to step in and be with the issues at hand. Our mind is turned off from the worry and directed elsewhere which allows for more space to open up and work things out.

I notice how hard people are on themselves for taking pleasure — often for long periods of time — in something like word games. Relax. Word games may not only serve as a puzzle for you to solve, but also a place for other parts of yourself to work out your own puzzle you may be in. Distractions can be very helpful in this way.

There are many distractions out there. If you are choosing a word puzzle, chances are your mind is sharp, you seek to feel competent in an everyday puzzle, and (often unknown to self) are trusting that other parts of your self are working out your own personal puzzle.

Even I Wordle — every now and again.

Freudenfreude for the Other

Posted on February 6, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

Freudenfreude for the other — I will admit it, I had never heard of this term. Of course, I know about its opposite — Schadenfreude — essentially taking glee in another’s bad news, misfortune, tragedies, and more. Why do people get so much satisfaction from secretly seeing someone come upon problems in her life?

We probably have felt it ourselves and we certainly have been on the receiving end — that comment, that lack of empathy to our plight, and more. We can sometimes pick up that someone is actually happy about our troubles. It is troubling to pick up on this when it happens, but it is a phenomenon. Interested to learn more? Check out this book.

So, I was very surprised to learn another — more uplifting concept – Freudenfreude, when I read this article in the New York Times recently. This is a term that is about cultivating joy for another regardless of our own circumstances. Some very solid examples are highlighted in this article. The author describes Freudenfreude for the other as based on being joyful regardless of our own circumstances. This is why it can be so difficult — easy to do when we feel good about our lot in life and very difficult to do when we feel envy, jealousy, and other negative emotions when someone’s success feels threatening to us in some way.

A concept such as this one provides us an opportunity to reflect and see how we feel about another’s success? Is it a threat to you? Are you genuinely happy for someone else’s success or is it a mask? When someone is doing poorly for any reason, do you delight in it in some way? How do you orientate to the other when their news comes up. Do you hold a consistent pattern or does it change based on what is going on in your life.

The article is all around cultivating more Freudenfreude in one’s life. Some solid suggestions, but a couple of them advise “seeing other’s success as a community success” and “your own success as a communal effort.” I will say I have an issue with these pieces of advice. Why must it be about you and why must what you do be about the other? Isn’t the point to feel good for another for what she has done and also owning our own accomplishments as ours. Of course, both often involve the other, but it feels like we should be able to stand on our own two feet with feeling pride for ourselves and for the other as an individual. These pieces of advice remind of current parenting techniques, where everyone gets a prize.

The truth is not everyone gets a prize all the time. Being able to sit back and genuinely feel good for another no matter what is going on in our own lives and to expect others to feel this for us in turn is a mark of maturity and something to strive for — and it may cultivate more joy in your own life.

Fredenfreude for the other — and for ourselves.

New Years Resolution Resolve

Posted on January 30, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

New Years Resolutions Resolve. In short, are you still keeping yours?

We are a month into 2023 and I suppose it’s a good moment to check in with yourself and how you are doing with those New Year’s Resolutions and your resolve to have kept them or let them go. If it just doesn’t even seem relevant any longer than there is the answer — funny how that happens.

Right after the holidays and for the majority of January it’s all about a fresh start, new habits, health, a reset, a Dry January, and more. And then the month moves on and people are often anxious to get back to the status quo, i.e. “Bartender, hand me my drink.” Just kidding, but I think you know what I mean.

So then is New Years Resolutions resolve just a flight of fancy, a set up for failure a few weeks later, a frustrating activity, an activity that gets to what we would like for ourselves even if we cannot keep them. I often wonder what the whole point is of the business of resolutions?

Well, if you made a few, if you remember them, this week marks a moment where one can check in with self to see if they are still important or not. If you can’t even remember them, then no need to think further. However, if they are still on your mind and/or you have been actively been doing them, then the check in provides an opportunity to see how it’s going. Where exactly is your resolve around your resolutions?

Remember too that New Years Resolutions can look different that an actual goal — it can be a word, a color, a feeling that you seek to name over the year. If you have chosen one of these, bring to mind the word and check in to see if it still fits for where you are now that we are month in.

The last week of January/first week of February allows a good week to check in. Well, it’s always a good idea to check in with one’s self, and New Year’s resolutions can certainly be a perfect way into this reflection.

For me, I can hardly remember what I resolved. What I want is to be intentional each day and see how I am using my time that I have been given in meaningful ways overall. So, for me, it’s not about a once a year resolution, but rather an ongoing dialogue within about where my attention, energy, and time are going.

I resolve to keep track. You?

How to Worry Nonsense

Posted on January 23, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

How to worry nonsense seems to be in the papers this January. It’s no surprise given the bent of most articles this time of year is how to be “better” both physically and mentally. However, I was shocked to see the headline in this Washington Post article, Don’t Try to Worry Less. Worry Smarter” The title sounds good in theory, i.e. worry!, but just do it in a way that is better for you — smarter for you.

All I got from this title was now you are worrying wrong. Ugh! Must there be so much judgement even on our worries?

The article is filled with lots of tips and tricks to acknowledge your worries, i.e. find it in your body, problem solve, and then let go. Oh so simple. If we could do any of these things, would any of us be worried? Probably not according to this article.

Worry is more than what is going on in your mind at the time. Often worries are deeply embedded in earlier experiences where we were left alone, let down, our expectations were not met, the worst happened, and more. When the events, people, or whatever comes up in our here and now and we “worry” it is often calling back to these earlier woundings and hurts.

That is why it is almost impossible to worry smarter.

How about using our worries as a place to get to know ourselves better. Inviting the worry in and letting it breathe. It certainly has something to tell us about our present concerns and where we have come from. If we can tolerate looking at ourselves from this lens, our worries can lead us to know ourselves in deeper ways.

It’s not always about being smarter and better by letting go and getting rid of the (what has been deemed) “bad” stuff. Sometimes it’s about tolerating our worries and anxieties, allowing them space to breathe, so we can then hear what they are trying to say and learn more about ourselves.

My two cents.

To Be In Awe

Posted on January 16, 2023 by Lisa Kothari

To be in awe! What a wonder that would be — particularly if we could be in awe on a regular basis in our daily lives.

I wasn’t much thinking about awe as the new year got underway, but then I stumbled upon a New York Times article titled, How a Bit of Awe Can improve Your Health and I became curious. Of course, most January articles are going to bend toward good health habits to get the new year underway, but I wondered what else awe could do for one’s self?

According to the article and author who wrote the book on awe, “it is a feeling that transcends one’s self.” Do you agree with this idea? When you are in awe are you no longer holding yourself in mind, but something beyond yourself? For me, when I think of awe filled moments in my life, they usually have to do with something spectacular I have seen or experienced, i.e. a double rainbow after a rain storm, amazing wild animals in their natural habitat, gorgeous beauty in nature, a friend’s baby and seeing her first steps, meeting my nieces for the first time, and more.

I am also in awe of others — people who contribute to their community in a meaningful way, people who check in with me and hold me in mind, particularly when it comes as a surprise, people who jump in to save another from harm, and more. I think when I take in humanity on the whole, I am in much awe. For as much as the world feels stressed and strained, people push forward in ways that are awe inspiring.

A dose of awe on a regular basis, I believe does take one outside of herself to focus on things larger than one’s self and one’s problems. However, they are moments and difficult to sustain — particularly on a dreary ho hum day in January. However, I believe we can cultivate it on a regular basis with intention.

How? Well, we aren’t necessarily going to run into something awe inspiring each day, but we can choose to be on the lookout — in the news, on our walks, in our interactions, in what we observe of others. Remember back in the day when we were encouraged to kept lists of things we are grateful for. Perhaps the list needs to be revamped to capture what filled us with some awe in any given day. Remember writing it down not only helps us to remember it, but also to build the muscle to recognize awe more and more often.

I want to have an awesome year ahead. One filled with awe-fiiled sights, sounds, people, kindness, and more. Here’s to not only finding it, but also embodying it within ourselves.

On that note, has anybody told you today just how awesome you are?

Write It Down

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Lisa Kothari

Write it down? What’s that?

How often have you seen someone lately with a notebook and pen in hand? My guess is not very often. Now, think back and ask yourself how many people have you seen on a screen lately? I bet the numbers are explosive right now in your mind. They may be reading or typing, but the screen is the gateway to just about anything these days.

I am from an era, however, where people wrote things down — and I mean wrote everything down as lugging out a typewriter to type anything out other than something formal wasn’t about to happen. We wrote out to do lists, recipes, essays, budgets, reminders, letters, notes, and whatever else you can think of — if we were wanting to record something for any reason we were grabbing a pen and paper.

I went back to graduate school in my mid-40s and during the very first class I definitely noticed a change. As class began, everyone was pulling out their laptops as I pulled out my fresh notebook and pen. It didn’t take me too long to gather who was the dinosaur in the room — me! However, that never bothered me, and I gladly opened up my tools to begin to record my notes.

At that point, the Professor looked out into the sea of students in the large class and addressed everyone, “I see you all have your laptops out ready to go, but there is hard core research that says people best learn by writing down notes — something about pen to paper contact makes absorbing information easier.”

Of course, the Professor was probably ten years older than me, so I thought perhaps she just hasn’t gotten with the times and is using “research” as an excuse to not feel so old given how it used to be. However, more and more there has been research out that says exactly this — humans remember more when we write it down.

I know for me this is true. Once I have my to do list written, I sort of know in my head what is on there more so than when I type it on a screen. I have an electronic calendar and I have a paper calendar. Oh how I love my written calendar and writing it all down. Partly this is my era and partly it is because I remember it all better when I write it down.

I was struck recently when a person in her mid 20s was discussing crafting a budget and related she was writing it all out and that this helped her more than any budget app as she could see for herself the ecosystem of her money and remember the amounts and the categories much more easily. Even someone much younger than myself finds putting pen to paper better.

So, if you are having difficulty remembering tasks, events on the calendar, tracking your money and/or any other number of tasks, write it down instead. Try it at the very least.

Oh! And everyone always appreciates a handwritten letter! You could even begin there!

Making the Dark Days Cozy

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Lisa Kothari

I’ve been waking up at my usual time — about 5 am — recently and can’t believe how long it takes to see the dawn. I keep thinking it is mid to late January — surely now I will see the light around 6:45 to 7 am. Alas, no! It’s dark until around 8 am and then a bit of twilight time for the next hour. I know we are gaining light, but at this exact moment it doesn’t feel like it.

What can any of us do when winter and the darkness seems to descend for an endless loop. Well, first thing, is to hold on to one’s mine and remember – quite literally – we are gaining time. Check out your local weather forecast and they tell you the sunrise and sunset times for each day. It is indeed a fact that the days are lengthening — even if they don’t quite feel like they are just yet.

Second, this is the time to take a page out of the hyggle lifestyle and make these dark days cozy. The Danes definitely know a thing or two about making their lives cozy during winter. It’s a fun little read. The idea was all the rage about five years ago, but such concepts never truly go out of style and so here are a few ideas for making your home and life cozy during these dark days of late January into February.

Cozy up to your favorite hot beverage — cocoa, coffee, tea, or any number of other fancy hot drinks. Enjoy the ritual of making it for yourself and really taste the warmth in the depths of our cold temperatures.

Knit, crochet, or just touch material that is warm and soft — cashmere anyone? It’s always soothing to make things out of these materials, but if you aren’t into such craft projects, even touching something soft and warm can bring coziness to your days.

Make a meal — perhaps a rich stew or slow cooker meal? Try your hand at making something delicious that will not only keep your stomach full and warm, but allows people around your dinner table to linger and savor each other’s company as they enjoy the meal. Being with people as you “break bread” can lead to a light that is kindled deep within.

Bath anyone? Can there be anything better than a warm to hot bath with salts and bubbles? Get your temperature just right and soak away. Bring into the bath a favorite book, podcast, drink, and more and linger, relax and unwind. Don’t forget to light a candle or two.The ultimate to creating a warm, relaxing feel. Towel off and use moisturizers and oils to extend the self pampering.

Light a fire or candles. If you have a fire pit outdoors, light it and cuddle up around it with warm outdoor blankets. Just looking into a flame can be meditative and relaxing. Also, as it gets dark early in evening, it is nice to light candles to continue the light at soft levels. Add candles to your dinner table too — it’s not just for special occasions.

Get in touch with yourself. With the pandemic still raging and light hardly around more of us are finding ourselves indoors. This is the time for vision boards, journals, and other inner wanderings where we can be in touch and in flow with ourselves that may be harder to do when warmer weather abounds and one wants to be outdoors in the literal light. For now, give yourself the gift of introspection to shine a light within.

When you do see the sun outside during the previous daylight hours, get out into it. Walk, run, have your hot beverage outdoors. Take in that shot of pure Vitamin D and let it soak in. Seriously, it will help you find even more contentment when the darkness arrives way too early in the evening.

These are just a few ideas to making the dark days cozy. I think the Groundhog is about to climb out of the ground and let us know how much more winter to expect — 6 more weeks or not? Whatever the time, enjoy each day and make it cozy.

Happy New Year

Posted on January 1, 2022 by Lisa Kothari

Happy New Year.

We are only a few wee hours into 2022 — does it feel like a new page for you? Of course there is always the annual stress that occurs post-Christmas to think about the past year and find some things to renew and resolve for the new one. Funny, does one evening and the flip of a day really carry that much on its shoulders? It strikes me that the calendar day/year is set up like this and then we follow suit. How to unwind?

I was reading an article the other day about how the Gen Z and Millenial generations are no longer waiting for the magic of January 1 to begin anew, but beginning wherever and whatever day they are on. As I read the article, this was not a new concept in the least, but perhaps it is so much more a “here and now” society the idea of waiting on anything — even a new year to begin — seems like a waste.

I am not sure if you make resolutions. I am now hearing people call them intentions these days. Resolutions, Intentions — it all seems to me to be a moment of actual reflection and a place to build a bridge between the old and the new. Why do we want to slam the door so hard on the old and seek to wash our hands of our “bad” habits or those things that were less than what we wanted for ourselves. We all know that by the end of January everything that is new is yet old again.

I recommend recognizing this and building a bridge. It’s often a wonderful thing to take stock of all the good that the old year held for us — what are we proud of, what was a highlight, what motivated us to do better, what did we learn, how did we express our curiosity? From there, how would it look to have more of that and what else? Can any of these things build bridges to other habits and moments. So, it is no longer a frame of throwing it all out and beginning anew with perfection in mind, but building on what has been to what we want to continue, to discard, to build upon.

Life is not a linear line. It builds on itself and even as we awaken into this new year, we are made up of all the events, happenings, and how we brought our self to it all over all of the old years. Bringing these parts of ourselves into the new — honoring, being with, and companioning all the parts feels so important.

I wish for you a bridge between the old and the new. May it light your days for all the new ones to come based on all of the days and years that have come before.

Here’s to it!

The Mental Schema of the Unvaccinated

Posted on November 15, 2021 by Lisa Kothari

I recently got my booster to protect myself from COVID — this marks my third shot in one year. As soon as the vaccination came out, I wanted it — badly. I had all the things that you probably have been suffering from — tired of the masks, tired of staying indoors, tired of regular life being interrupted — in short, pandemic fatigue! I felt grateful that science was so good that within a year, major pharmaceutical companies had come up with vaccination shots that could protect me and others — and would ultimately put the pandemic to rest.

Why then is the pandemic still raging even as people lose interest? Because so many people have chosen to not get vaccinated. Now, what are the reasons? It ranges anywhere from not wanting to be controlled by the government, to not believing in science, to not being told what to do, to straight out denial that a pandemic even exists. Also, people believe they are strong enough to overcome it if they do contract COVID.

My carpet cleaner recently came into my home — no mask and no vaccination on board. When I asked him why — and went on to give him a piece of my mind — he said his body was strong enough to handle it. Based on what? Do any of these people realize they have been vaccinated since they entered public schools? Someone in their family took them to get their shots so they could attend school — otherwise, who knows if they would still be living? People take for granted what their elders did for them — somehow abiding by public health protocols is not for the strong in body.

There is a felt sense among the unvaccinated that they do not want to be told what to do by the government or anyone else. There is a particular mental schema that askews being told what to do by anyone for anything. I knew someone years ago who always stated he hated being told what to do by his parents — he wants to make his own decisions. He made the umbrella statement that no one wants to be told what to do. I know my friend came from a strict upbringing with caretakers who gave him very little room to make any decisions for himself.

When politicians came along and said, “Liberate yourselves and say no to mandatory vaccination” I can imagine that many people who, like my friend, do not like being told what to do, resonated with this message and now are the ones crashing school board meetings, protesting, booing anyone who speaks up about getting vaccinated and more. It’s all a lot of drama that gets going in rebellion to not being told what to do — unfortunately, in this case, not getting vaccinated can lead to death of self and others.

Yet, many people would rather die than be told what to do by anybody. These same people did as they were told at the age of 5 and got their shots to enter kindergarten. It all feels a little insane that people think their own body itself has gotten along without disease on its own.

For me, the little jab took about a second. The side effects were nominal at best. I know I am protected and I am helping protect others in my community. Millions have been vaccinated and the vast vast majority are safe and healthy afterwards. There is no excuse to not be vaccinated at this point. It’s time people got over rebelling against being told what to do and start working with what is not only logical but also absolutely the right thing to do for self and neighbor. We want a right to life — then it is a responsibility we care for.

In this case, it’s a one second jab — three times. No excuses. None.

News Diet

Posted on October 11, 2021 by Lisa Kothari

A news diet I say? Yes, I actually think it’s a good thing!

It was late this past summer that I found myself feeling overwhelmed to the point of not even being in my life — I mean I was in it, but somehow not really there. I was caught up in work, running around and more. I also thought about how much news I had been taking in — all of it going from bad to worse each day.

What I noticed even more was not even reading the article so much but scrolling through the comments to see what people were thinking and/or saying about the topic at hand. Comments made me feel all sorts of things — in good company, scared to death, and/or not knowing how I felt even though I was often more troubled than reassured. This was another level of reading the news that I hadn’t accounted for. All the opinions of the news was driving my news intake!

In an effort to regain some of my life, my time, and myself back, I decided to go on a news diet. Let’s face it it’s very difficult to avoid news altogether in this super connected, now society. I knew I could not cut it out completely, but I could cut out reading comments altogether, browse the headlines of the news sources, and tune into the local and national news having it on as almost background noise and not following it that closely.

Two months in, I am much happier than I have been in a very long time. First off, I have more time to live in my life. Not sure what I am doing is exactly newsworthy but these are my days that are making up my years and thus my life. Whatever I am doing, I want to be in my own life and not the life of the news cycle and all of the people spinning their two cents.

Now off that merry-go-round life feels a lot more open for me to live my life on my own terms and not via the next headline. I know many people have told me they have taken a news diet with great results. I am glad I finally moved on it as well. My guess is I will keep this level of attention to the news going forward no matter what comes up.

Few News Diet Tips:

Don’t go all or nothing. A diet means you take in a bit less — how much less is up to you. it doesn’t feel realistic to go about life not knowing anything, but definitely take stock of how you are viewing the news and see what would make it less stressful for you to engage with the news.

Make sure when you do your review it isn’t just the news reading you are thinking about, but all of the other ways you are engaging the news — i.e. the comments section, following link after link, engaging in oral arguments with strangers, posting news on social media — as well as how much space the news of the day is taking up in your mind.

Once on your news diet, check in to see how you are feeling. Do you miss it? If so, which parts? If not, can this become a lifestyle — a way of being consistently with self? Are you feeling more at ease or more anxious not knowing everything. Keep a close tab on your news diet experience.

Now that you have more space for you, how are you choosing you? Are you relaxing, engaging a hobby, or something else? Where space has opened, what else is shifting in your life? Exciting!

I stand by my news diet and you won’t be surprised to know that I think it’s going to become my lifestyle — taking in a very limited amount of news.

That’s the news of the day!

Lisa Kothari Counseling

Category Archives: Mental Health